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Published:March 3rd, 2008 08:50 EST

Jim Gaffigan Is to Bacon What Anita Bryant Was to Orange Juice!

By Rocco Loosbrock

Back when I was a little kid, it seemed like hardly a day went by without the smiling face of singer/actress Anita Bryant radiating through the TV screen, proclaiming to the world that “a day without orange juice, is like a day without sunshine!” It was a message that stuck and, to this very day, I still really enjoy drinking my orange juice on a daily basis. It's good for you!

Today, an even more significant message is being proudly and passionately professed to the wonderful people of Planet Earth by another great and caring benefactor of humanity. Jim Gaffigan’s 2008 comedy tour is in full swing, preaching what many of us in the food industry have come to call his “Benevolent Bacon Benediction!”

Sure, you've seen him on Letterman, Ellen, Conan, That 70's Show, Law & Order, Sex & the City, Comedy Central, and clever commercials for everything from the soft drink “Sierra Mist” to the “Saturn” automobile. Heck, he even busted us up in the cult comedy classic “Super Troopers” with that hilarious “Meow” scene. But if you haven't seen him live and in person, up on the stage doing his hysterically unique brand of comedy, it's almost as if you don't really know Jim at all.

When you do see him live and in concert, one thing quickly becomes amazingly crystal clear: Jim Gaffigan LOVES bacon. Actually, love isn't a strong enough word. Jim quite passionately obsesses about bacon with an absolute loyalty and dedication that one might normally expect only to be expressed towards one's beloved soul mate, religion, political party or favorite sports team.

While poets “ode” to their muse and while singers croon, Jim Gaffigan opens his heart and act with his dedicated declarations of desire such as “I just had some bacon. Anybody ever had bacon before? It's good. Oh, my greasy lover, bacon. It's the best!

Then he contemplatively continues, “You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. If it weren't for bacon, we wouldn't even know what a water chestnut is. And bits of bacon, bits of bacon are like the fairy dust of the food community. You don't want this baked potato? Brrring! Now it's your favorite part of the meal. Not interested in the salad? Bibbity bobbity BACON. I just turned it into an entree.

He continues, “But once you put bacon in a salad, it's no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of 'find the bacon in the lettuce'. It's like you're panning for gold. Eureka!” Much like comedy greats “Seinfeld” and “Carlin” before him, he works his way into our hearts by validating the thoughts that so many of us are already thinking ourselves. In near melancholic sadness, he admits, “I never feel like I get enough bacon... it's like they're rationing it!” He then longingly looks into the crowd and pleas, with a near whimper, "I want more, more bacon!"

How much more? Jim explains, “Whenever I'm at a brunch buffet and they have that big metal tray filled with the 4000 pieces of bacon, I always think, if I was here by myself...I would eat only bacon. I would steal this tray, go lay down, and eat bacon all day.” Then astutely waxing a bit philosophically, he adds, “bacon is that good. I bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon, you could travel back in time. It's like a tasty vortex.”

In perfect “6th degree” style, Gaffigan energetically asserts. “I even like the name Bacon. You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot Dog movie!" Then, just to ensure that his absolute adoration for bacon hasn't somehow slipped out of the minds of his audience, he pleasantly and politely says goodnight with a deeply appreciative “Thank you very much. You've been like bacon.

Now that's a comedian after my own “Bacon Freak” heart!