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Published:May 20th, 2008 07:00 EST
Drew Carey's Search For Public Menace #1: The Mean Streets

Drew Carey's Search For Public Menace #1: The Mean Streets

By Rocco Loosbrock

Just when you thought it was finally safe to go back out onto the Mean Streets " of Los Angeles, the news breaks, sending sheer shudders and surging shock waves of unadulterated fear straight up and down your spine. Is it the news of a serious, impending physical danger that now puts L.A. Citizens in the direct path of a new and growing risk that has put that agonized look of horror on your face? Perhaps it`s the awareness of an increasing crime wave taking its toll on the streets of your neighborhood? Or could it be the official declaration of the formation of a new viciously threatening gang working its way into the web-work of your fair city`s very foundation?

Unfortunately, as it turns out, it`s something much worse than all of that, because it`s a combination of all THREE terrifying scenarios molded into one devastating reality. There are now  dealers out on the street, selling not drugs, not guns, not weapons of mass destruction, not even smut, but something far more devious and demented. These purveyors of evil are actually selling our friends, family members, even our children, hot dogs wrapped in bacon! "

That`s right, Bacon-Dogs, " are being sold by vendors in broad daylight, in-front of crowds of people, right on the streets of L.A. and other than increasingly sever fines and the continued threats of incarceration, there seems to be very little that the city government and local law enforcement agencies can really do about it. I have some small, inconclusive heard rumblings about this issue over the past few months, but it wasn`t till comedian / game show host / social commentator and all around good guy Drew Carey actually cared enough to assemble a camera crew and go out and record exactly what was really going on out there.  We are forever it his debt for his willingness and ability to successfully do just that.

OK, so I guess in reality, there`s absolutely NOTHING all that very scary about delicious and delightful tasty treats such as bacon-dogs " being sold by professional food vendors, but to hear the City Governments` take on the situation, it`s a danger to society and its unsuspecting citizenry. Therefore, with this latest law now making it illegal for these vendors who have been serving grateful, satisfied, healthy and appreciative Angelenos " some of the most flavorful, fresh  and fulfilling bacon-dogs " for decades, without any observable levels of health risk, illness complaint or incident, a whole new category of cart crook " or  catering criminal " is now created.

Now in fairness to the City, those who created the law insist that the new legal provisions are sincerely intended simply to protect the city`s inhabitants from inadvertently eating anything that might prove to be unhealthy or possibly make them sick. Also, for those vendors who have the extra money laying around to simply trade in their small vendor carts and spend the several thousand dollars needed to buy a completely self contained kitchenette on wheels, there is still hope. All you need to do is merely upgrade to a full on catering truck with a complete kitchen loaded on-board.

However, my experience tells me that most people who spend their days trying to make a living selling food from a cart might not have that extra $20,000 to $30,000 to comply with the new statute. Also, in fairness to the vendors, I`m fully convinced that anyone spending a few days walking the streets of L.A., participating in the usual activities of encountering the wide array of local scenery, environment and citizenry, while eating, breathing, drinking, etc., will most likely come to conclusion that Bacon-Dogs " don`t even rank in the Top 20 " of things out there on the street that could potentially do you and your health some serious harm.

Also, speaking of reality, let us not forget the fact that this new law means that the proud and dutiful members of an already seriously and severely under-funded, over-worked and under-staffed police force now get to spend their very limited and extremely valuable time observing, questioning, chasing down, busting and interrogating local hot-dog vendors. Merely trying to survive and keep their family afloat with the little bit of profits made on a day to day basis working up to 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Now of course, that`s truly great news for the REAL CRIMINALS out there, who now realize there is are less cops out on the street who have time to spend looking for them, due to this new breed of bold and brazen Baconistas " who are out in force, making the streets frighteningly unsafe for the good people of Los Angeles. Our constant prayers and best wishes are certainly with those who are at risk and in danger from this terrible threat and a special thumbs Up " to Mr. Drew Carey for helping us to better understand the political process and helping us to actually see our hard-earned tax dollars at work . 
Copyright (c) 2008

Coastal Vineyards` "Bacon Freak" Gourmet Bacon Club