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Published:August 21st, 2008 13:15 EST
You Are What You Eat--Fatso!

You Are What You Eat--Fatso!

By John Lillpop



Unlike most red-necked conservative intellectuals living in the Bay Area, I have never found it particularly difficult to "watch" my weight.

With a size 50 waist, three or more double chins, and a neck size scarcely below triple digits, how in Hades can I NOT watch my weight?

After years of battling neurotic doctors, "ideal weight" charts pushed by corporate interests intent on earning windfall profits from a man-made pandemic of expensive-to-treat anexoria, and scales that lie without shame, I have finally surrendered.

Effective immediately, in the best interests of my fragile sanity, I will no longer weight myself, or allow myself to be weighed.

Period, end of discussion.

Consider the relevant facts, please.

Weighing one`s self can lead to depression, anxiety, and fat. In fact, politicians could do the public far more good by outlawing scales instead of worrying about Trans-fats, cholesterol, salt, carbohydrates, and other innocuous items in the diet of all normal Americans.

Think about the mental games one plays when engaged in the Fit or Fat numbers game:

On the odd occasion when the scale actually shows a weight loss, one`s food -addicted brain immediately sends a crazy message to one`s stomach that goes something like this:

"Bravo! and Sayonara to being fat. This is cause for celebration, so bring on a few five-pound boxes of fudge and as much buttered popcorn as can be stuffed into the family min-van and a U-Haul trailer!"

If, on the other hand, the scale reveals a weight gain, one`s scheming brain sends the following distorted message to one`s weight management center:

"Idiot! Just as we warned you, it is hopeless and a complete waste of time to even try to lose weight! To hell with celery sticks and water.

"Bring on a dozen BBQed short ribs, three pounds of mashed potatoes smothered in real butter, and any fudge and popcorn not consumed this morning when you celebrated that short-lived weight loss!"

And so it is in the wild and wacky world of weight management, or mismanagement to be more precise.