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Published:April 5th, 2006 14:19 EST
SOP reporter: 'We are slowly being suffocated by our own fatness'

SOP reporter: 'We are slowly being suffocated by our own fatness'

By R.J. Smith

There is an epidemic growing to enormous proportions, literally, across this great North American Land.  You can see its ill effects everywhere you go, all the way from the sunny beaches of California to the frozen tundra of the north that we like to call New England.  Hell, you can walk outside right now and it is nearly impossible to miss. 

It is known affectionately as the obesity epidemic.  A recent study has shown that roughly one out of every four women in this nation fit into this category.  The numbers are higher for children and men.  We are slowly being suffocated by our own fatness.  The rest of the world has taken notice and our universal image of sexiness is being destroyed bit by bit.     

If you don`t think it is that big of a problem you obviously haven`t been out in public lately.  Yesterday, a fairly large woman cut me off across three lanes of traffic to get over in time to make the turn into the local McDonalds.  We have sunk so far as a society that certain people are willing to cause a traffic accident and possibly death for a Big Mac that they obviously do not need. 

It is no wonder we have finally reached rock bottom.  With a fast food joint on every corner and gym membership prices skyrocketing through the roof, it was only a matter of time.  In some strange way we have accepted our fate.  It is no longer politically correct to mock the overweight as they walk down the street.  No longer is it acceptable to call out the traditional Moo " without drawing the ire of friends and family who may be overly sensitive due to their own problems with body fat. 

It is a sad day when guys like me can`t even sit back and laugh at these atrocities.  We are not the fat ones, allow us our fun.  Damn the idea of sensitivity, these people knew what they were getting into the moment they picked up that last jelly donut. 

Our government has outlawed marijuana, but allows MSG to be freely distributed to our children.  It has created a nation of fat people.  If you are reading this and you are not overweight you are the exception.  Even if you are in good shape, you may still find yourself strangely addicted to those tiny little abominations that are double cheeseburgers on the dollar menu.  They have gotten to us all.  No one is safe.