January 12th, 2009 09:51 EST
The REVISED Oprah 12-Steps for Battling Fat!
Woe be unto Oprah Winfrey.
After working her tush off to elect Barack Obama as the first African-American president of the U.S., Winfrey was rewarded with a fat surge that left her with a tush and mid-section far in excess of her original dimensions.
We are talking CHANGE the old gal really did not need or want.
What to do?
With six billion earthlings intently watching Oprah`s television show for the latest diet miracles and or trace of fat on her abused being, the Queen of Girth simply had to get honest and face reality: She is fat again!
After all those years of starving herself and exercising like an Olympic-bound athlete, Oprah is again closer to 300 than 100 pounds.
Oprah is so huge that she needed a building permit for her inaugural gown. Obama`s transition team FEXed the Queen of Girth 3 tickets to the inaugural ceremony --for Oprah`s own use alone!
Enough is enough! After celebrating the Obama victory 24/7 since November 4, Oprah has "centered" herself and refocused on her life goals.
In doing so, Winfrey has rewritten her "Oprah Winfrey 12-Step Program for Fighting Obesity," which can be purchased at yourobesityisnotoprahsrfault.com for $1,500, plus shipping and handling.
Chubby hackers have slipped us a "bootleg" copy of Oprah`s revised program, reprinted below:
The Revised Oprah Winfrey 12-Step Program for Fighting Obesity
Step 1: Came to believe that she could become a billionaire by hoodia-ing fat housewives into buying " O" magazine and her diet products.
Steps 2-11: Skipped because of scheduling conflicts.
Step 12: Admitted that she was powerless over her wonky thyroid. Gave up diets forever, but kept cashing in on O and other silly gimmicks.
The bottom line to Oprah`s secret: Make yourself obscenely rich and nobody will notice your morbid obesity!
God Bless Oprah Winfrey!