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Published:November 19th, 2009 09:24 EST
Removing The Human Factor From Surgeries

Removing The Human Factor From Surgeries

By SOP newswire2

Continuing the American trend of throwing un-had money at non-functional objects, Surgeon General J. Randall Stabbitt in collaboration with AMA and 35 state education boards issued a joint statement today lauding the implementation of NextScalpel ". The NextScalpel " system enables health-care facilities to maximize profits by busting unions, dramatically reducing staff head-count, and conducting even the most intricate of medical procedures solely by scalpel-wielding robotic arms up-linked to Global Positioning System (GPS) satellite transponders. Journalistically-independent bastion New York Times, while vowing to continue to accept medical advertising revenue, has run a Science Times feature this week in support of NextScalpel entitled A Surgical Upgrade To End Costly Recovery Time ".
Though admittedly not including surgeons in the planning of NextScalpel, Stabbitt winks and gives his OK, saying, We checked it out. It`s safe. My future bosses " " I mean, the contractors selling the equipment - assured me so ". These manufacturers, located in 35 different states, along with hospitals nationwide, immediately celebrated with sheetcake and Kool-Aid. In a bizarre numerological coincidence, 35 United States Senators led by New York`s Senator Kirsten Gillibrand have now fast-tracked Senate Bill S. 3535 ", requisitioning US$35 Billion Dollars for the surgeon-free " NextScalpel system and its related WAAS " (What An Awful Surgery) and RNAV " (Robotic Nodes Attack Value) technologies. Said Gillibrand, Hospitals are broke and can`t afford to pay the US$4,000 per surgical table for this technology. So we are going to pass the cost on to the American people instead. And anyway, they`re used to bail-outs and stimuli by now ".
Integral to NextScalpel (dubbed NextGash " by some critics) is the ability of hospitals to now line up surgical patients 22-across in the average-sized O.R., whereas patients used to be attended-to by medical professional human-beings one-at-a-time. Said Stabbitt, Our research and studies show that dense-packing patients will generate more revenue for hospitals, save on gauze and electricity, and reduce the total running-time of surgery an average of 3 minutes per patient. These Gomers deserve efficiency and shouldn`t be forced to pay for safety. Why do we need doctors and nurses cluttering-up the O.R.? You`re probably the same sissies who want to keep that cancer screening age at 40 instead of 50. Besides, surgeons will be available by cell phone as a back-up when the satellites go dark. And why pay doctors when you can pay publicists and androids less? It`s a no-brainer. It`s a green-light ". In an unrelated story Mt. Sinai Hospital has issued a statement announcing that their 1-page patient release form has now been expanded to 35 pages.
Particularly affected by NextScalpel will be those in the northeast, as a result of Stabbitt`s NY/NJ/PHL O.R. Redesign ". Parking spill-over due to increased patient-load will "require` the federal government to take residential properties of homeowners by eminent domain. Said Stabbitt, It`s their fault anyway. They`re the ones using the O.R.`s ". When pointed-out to Stabbitt that the average household with satellite TV loses signal a few times per night - that he is espousing technology requiring graduate education to understand when he himself never finished college - and that the O.R. Redesign principally victimized communities located at least 30 miles away from O.R.`s - Stabbitt grumbled, To Hell with them. It`s low-hanging fruit. Safety was never compromised ".

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