April 25th, 2010 23:32 EST
Guilty With An Explanation
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation."
The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: `Hi! I`m Belinda!` This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, `All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?`
I`m thinking, `Belinda, try decaf. This ain`t rocket science.` Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, `Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?` `Fine`, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! `Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.` Belinda said, and headed for the door. `Excuse me!
You`re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?` I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, `Oh, you fussy puppy...the door`s wide open so you`ll have the emergency hall lights. I`ll be right back.`
Before I could shout `NOOOO!` she disappeared. And that`s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite `Hi, how`s it going` type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible `Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.` `You bet, take care` Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I`d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, `Oh I am sooo sorry!` The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?`
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said `Case Dismissed!!`