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Published:June 7th, 2007 05:04 EST

Media Begins: Go

By John Lillpop


Now that President Bush has arrived safely for the G8 summit, all of America is bracing for the inevitable onslaught of "Dubya Moments" from a world media obsessed with making our president look and sound goofier than he actually is.

Whether it is an unwelcome wink at the Queen of England, an unsolicited groping of Germany`s Chancellor, or a crass Yo! Blair directed at England`s Prime Minister with his mouth full of crumpets, our president can be counted on to deliver enough bloopers to keep the world in stitches---and anxious Americans on Valium and in their cups--- for eight solid days.

In fact, given Bush`s prolific faux pau numbers, it is a wonder that he is still allowed to leave the Oval Office.

Except, that is, for meals, potty breaks, and fund raisers at Bush family reunions, where friendly audiences and armed Marines can be counted on to keep most presidential missteps from becoming "Breaking News!"

Unfortunately, the G8 summit is not a Bush family reunion, so the worldwide media will be looking for any and all Dubya Moments to exploit.

Speculating about what Bush will or will not do is always risky; however, it seems a safe bet that at some point over the next eight days, Bush will do one or more of the following:

* Chide Vladimir Putin about the cold war being over, while insisting that placing U.S. missile defense bases in Europe poses no threat to Russia, unless Vladi continues his backsliding and reckless derailment of democratic reforms;

* Offer to rub Angela Merkel`s back provided that the German Chancellor drops her silly idea about cutting emissions by 50 per cent. "Been there, done that," Dubya says, referring to his mauling of Merkel at the 2006 G8.

* Offer to help France with its illegal alien problem by taking in a couple of million or so into America.

To be eligible, aliens from France must speak Spanish, not speak or understand any English, and have experience picking avocados in 100 degree heat for fourteen hours a day, and

* Restate his opposition to gay marriage by declaring that "Men Only" or "Women Only" marriages are morally wrong because they lack diversity, and, don`t you know Dubya is America`s Diversity President?

Irrespective of which Dubya Moments actually make it to Breaking News, one can rest assured that they will be wildly entertaining to most of the world, and incentive for most Americans to destroy their birth certificates and all other damning evidence of U.S. citizenship!