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Published:October 21st, 2007 12:39 EST
More Vital to Homeland Security: Oprah's Thyroid or Ellen's Iggy?

More Vital to Homeland Security: Oprah's Thyroid or Ellen's Iggy?

By John Lillpop

Satire

With all due respect to those who decide what is newsworthy and what is not, many of the stories making the editor's cut these days do not seem particularly compelling.

For instance, why is Oprah Winfrey's thyroid a major story?

Mind you, I appreciate the fact that Oprah is an icon to oodles of free loaders who survive on junk food and booze purchased with welfare money. And, I am not oblivious to Oprah's ongoing struggle with weight.

Count me among those who sincerely hope that treating her wonky thyroid will make Oprah sexy and skinny-- again.

But, to be perfectly honest, I suspect that Oprah is acting out on her addiction to Twinkies-- again.

By now, the queen of television surely must know that 30-40 Twinkies a day adds up quickly. Throw in a half dozen cheesy pizzas and, before you know it, the world has 20 extra superfluous pounds of Oprah to contend with.

But are Oprah's weight and thyroid problems really the stuff of which relevant news stories are crafted?

Then, we have the heartbreaking story of Ellen DeGeneres and her dog Iggy. Iggy is the canine pest that Ellen rescued from Mutts and Moms, a pet adoption agency.

Poor Ellen cared so deeply for this pooch that she gave the damn thing to her hairdresser in order to soothe her cats who found Iggy to be a royal pain in the tush.

However, Mutts and Moms found Ellen's unauthorized transfer of Iggy to be in violation of her adoption contract, several amendments to the U.S. Constitution, and a Canine Bill of Rights currently being debated in the Democrat-controlled California state legislature.

As a result, local police halted their hunt for murderers and kidnappers long enough to remove Iggy from Ellen's scalawag hairdresser. Mutts and Moms then assigned Iggy to a new owner.

How did DeGeneres react to the news that her beloved Iggy was no longer with family? Using her national television show as a bully pulpit, Ellen demonstrated her love for Iggy with a live, hour-long crying jag-- in high definition.

From the intensity of Ellen's meltdown, one would have thought that Mutts and Moms had sentenced the helpless Iggy to the sole care of Michael Vick for obedience training.

But, even as adorable as Iggy is, was Ellen's bawling hysteria really worthy of headlines from sea to shining sea?

From my perspective, both Oprah's thyroid and Ellen's Iggy should have taken a back seat to these headlines:

President Bush Meets Dalai Lama, Comes Out Against World War III

President Putin Meets With Iran's Ahmadinejad, Comes Out Against Bush and Threatens World War III

Speaker Pelosi Fails in Attempt to Goad Turkey Into Invading Iraq Over 92-year Old Genocide

Religion of Peace Activists Celebrate Bhutto Return to Pakistan, 135 Die

Rep. Stark's Head Explodes on Floor of U.S. House, Bush Faulted

Shocker from Creator of Harry Potter: Dumbledore Gay, Voldermort a Homophobic Conservative White Christian

Rush Limbaugh Uses Reid Letter to Help Fund Iraq War

Don Imus Overcomes Objections from Al Sharpton, Other Nappy Headed Ho's, Returns to Radio

Well, what do you think? Should I pursue a new career as a news editor?

Or should I continue to grovel in abject poverty?