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Published:April 24th, 2010 11:45 EST
Twelve Steps of Illegal Aliens Anonymous, Revised

Twelve Steps of Illegal Aliens Anonymous, Revised

By John Lillpop

Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) has earned worldwide acclaim for its success in treating people afflicted with alcoholism. The heart of AA is the twelve step program which, when followed diligently, usually delivers the elusive gift of sobriety.

Illegal aliens are much the same as alcoholics; in fact, most invaders are drunks.

Because of the urgent need to rehabilitate these good hearted, hard working criminals so they can be deported in a sober fashion, the steps of AA have been adopted to the lives of illegal aliens.

As could be expected, the original version of the Twelve Steps of Illegal Aliens is in guttural Spanish, written and produced in San Francisco.

What follows is an English translation, offered for the benefit of taxpayers who need to know why their gardeners, housekeepers, and septic tank people cannot work after 3 PM without a cold case of Cuervo beer as motivation.


1. We admitted that the US government, the Minute Men, and all other US law enforcement authorities are powerless over the 38 million illegal aliens already in America, and our 100 million family members waiting in Mexico and beyond for just the right moment to invade America.

2. Came to believe that Deportations by a power greater than ourselves could be thwarted by simply moving to San Francisco and other bastions of anti-American stupidity known as sanctuary cities.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the Catholic Church, La Raza, ACLU, DNC, Barack Obama, John McCain, and the mainstream liberal media.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Finding none (morals), we found "Family Values do not end at the Rio Grande" to be a mindless slogan uttered by a mindless politician bent on mindless pandering to Hispanics and mindless obstruction of the rule of law.

5. Admitted to no one, especially to agents of the Border patrol, Homeland Security, ICE, the Minutemen, and local law authorities, the exact nature of our wrongs, since we have none.

6. Were entirely ready to march and riot in the streets of America with Mexican flags and Spanish banners should the US Congress even consider laws that would reduce or eliminate our ability to freeload and steal services from American taxpayers, or for deporting hombres back to Mexico.

7. Demanded (to hell with "humbly") that Barack Obama and or John McCain grant amnesty en masse to our sorry, brown butts no later than 1 PM on January 20, 2009.

8. Would have made a list of all persons we had harmed were it not for the fact that we are but a collection of illiterate peasants who could care less about the fate of gringos foolish enough to get in our way.

9. Would never make direct amends to such people, especially since doing so would bring horrific damage to the Mexican economy and the holy objectives of Reconquesta.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly denied it and shouted RACISM! non-stop at the very top of our lungs. In Spanish and English!

11. Sought through alcohol and illegal drugs to improve our conscious contact with the omnipotent Illegal Alien in the Sky, as we understood Him, praying only for ICE-free summers, falls, winters, and springs.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carried this message to all other illegal aliens and encouraged them to join us by voting Democrat in the November elections.

Happy rehab, Pedro!