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Published:September 16th, 2009 09:25 EST
I'm "Froogal"

I'm "Froogal"

By Mark Freedman

As a guy, (and a Jew), this could very well be the worst combination for shopping. As a guy, I do not feel the need to replace or buy new things, as a Jew, I do not feel the need to replace things even if they are causing cancer. It`s a tough battle.

My wife told me tonight that we need to buy a new mattress. She`s so thoughtful. This mattress, which by the way is only twenty four years old, in my view is perfectly fine. So it may slant a little in the middle. I think that just brings us closer together. Her idea of the perfect mattress will be the finest, the highest tech, the kind that makes your spine feel right at home. My idea of the perfect mattress is the one we still have...Let me elaborate on some other things in life that your wife may want to replace....

1: Your favorite shirt that has yellow arm pit stains and holes in it.

2: You.....

There is no solution to this situation. The only thing to remember is that if your wife wants something; make every effort to act completely confused and slightly schizo frantic...

I have this problem. I tend to think that light bulbs will come back to life, or toilet paper can be used until you have to pull the little stuck pieces off the cardboard roll. I also think that there is no reason to buy seasoning and cooking oil, but from what I am told they are mandatory on the shopping list...I like to only buy enough food to last exactly until the next shopping day. That means when we are on the last sip of milk, it is time to go shopping. My wife likes to buy in bulk. Very similar to how she buys Disney World Tickets. Which by the way was the greatest idea ever.

All in all, I would die of starvation if it was not for my wife. I would be sleeping in the mattress and not on it. I would definitely not get potassium and who even knows what I would do without fabric softener.
If it was up to me to survive as a male, I would tell you to buy water, eggs, milk, bread, soap, a plasma screen TV with high def, and monopoly. That`s it!. Well, actually I would tell you to raise chickens that lay eggs, but that`s not the point. The point is that my wife is normal. Everyone in our household every share an ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins. I just am not normally hungry enough to eat my own cone!

Because of my beautiful wife, things appear in the house that I have never even heard of, and I have everything I could have ever asked for. Including her decisions. Though I would not buy something, does not mean it won`t be beneficial. A woman`s ability to maintain a household could be the most amazing gifts ever handed to humanity, and somewhere in there is a power of manipulation too.. Which means, we are getting a new mattress.

Lay awake, close your eyes. It doesn`t matter what we buy.
A bed, some clothes, a new washing machine,
What matters most is your love to me.
Rags to riches, new tennis shoes,
What matters most is my love for you.
You are the princess and the pea.