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Published:August 6th, 2009 10:16 EST
Why I Oppose Straight Marriage

Why I Oppose Straight Marriage

By S. D.

These are the reasons why I oppose straight marriage:

  • Marriage should be between two people of the same sex. Who says? Well, I do - duh. I`m an expert at defining words, and marriage means "an institution between two women or two men." It has nothing to do with my religion either, it just has to do with my head... I have a mental dictionary, you know!
  • Straight couples are awful at raising children. Look around. It`s obvious. You see straight couples raising children who end up being criminals ALL the time. And - this is the worst thing of all - straight couples even turn their children straight! *shudder*
  • Straight relationships are so immoral. You know, I have this really old book that was written by a bunch of weirdo people, and it says that straight relationships are wrong. Obviously, I don`t need to think for myself - this book tells me everything I need to know about the world! It definitely has to be 100% right, so that`s why straight relationships, including marriage, are not appropriate in our society.
  • Straight people overpopulate the planet. And that`s horrible. We shouldn`t have even more children being put into adoption centers, or being left out on the street, or being allowed to starve to death. Not anymore! Actions must be taken against this constant procreation and mindless encouragement of human reproduction by straights.
  • If straight people are allowed to marry, then we`ll be seeing marriages between animals and humans soon enough too! It`s a fact, especially since animals are able to give their consent to marry, and they can even sign the piece of paper too. (Actually, this is why we should never have let white people get married - now the straights are using that as an excuse to be allowed to as well! So wrong...)
  • Straight sex is disgusting. I would never have straight sex, and neither should you. We should stop all penis-in-vagina sex right now! It spreads so many STDs, every single day! Not to mention that penis-in-vagina sex can really hurt people if they`re not careful about it - one of my straight friends (yeah, I have straight friends) told me how he accidentally made a girl bleed because he wasn`t paying attention to where he was putting things, and he was going way too fast. So for their own good, we need to forbid it.
  • Being straight is obviously unnatural. Oh wait... but animals in nature are straight pretty often. Oops... umm... well... uh, you know what, we`re not animals! Definitely not, we have nothing in common with other mammals. So that means we should know better than to do the things that animals do.
  • If I let people get a straight marriage, then my marriage won`t mean anything anymore. Because straights will try their hardest to break up my marriage once they have theirs, because they`re out to get me, not equal rights. And anyway, my spouse will want to divorce me and get a straight marriage too. After all, she doesn`t actually love me or anything like that, she`s just married to me because I was the only person available at the time.
So, ladies and gentlemen, this is why we shouldn`t allow straight marriage - it`s a vice!

P.S. By the way, I`m not a heterophobic bigot for opposing heterosexual marriage. It`s not like I hate straights - I even told you guys I have a straight friend. I just hate straightness! And I`m not doing anything wrong by trying to deny people equal rights on account of who they are either. Nope. So don`t call me anything mean, like intolerant or prejudiced or anything like that, because I`m not! It`s just my opinion.