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Published:October 21st, 2009 20:37 EST
Mass Disappearances  What Really Happened?

Mass Disappearances What Really Happened?

By R.J. Smith

A recent drunken Google search peaked my interest on the topic of mass disappearances.  You must know that I am completely skeptical about any such fantastic claims.  I generally believe everything has a scientific explanation. Also, I never trust a source that isn`t 100%.

That being said, no source in this article is 100%.  Except the one that is historically accurate that we all learned about in elementary school.  That one, however, is probably the easiest to debunk.

Roanoke Island.  We all know the story.  In the 1500`s an entire colony disappeared from the face of the Earth, leaving no trace but a few letters carved on a tree nearby.   Depending on who you listen to, the letters were either `CRO" or "Croatian", or "ALIENS KIDNAPPED US PLS HELP KTHNXBAI!" 

Historians believe most likely they were integrated into a local Native American tribe.  The winter may have gotten too harsh and the people may have had to turn to the locals for help, in the process eventually getting lost in the tribal life... never to return.  This is a very well thought out and researched explanation and probably the most likely.

Conspiracy theorists believe that they just up and left to colonize another planet.  Actually, you can add Scientologists to that group of people as well.  None other than L. Ron Hubbard himself was the first to offer up this explanation.  I know what you are thinking and yes, it is batsh*t crazy.  That guy was a frickin lunatic.  It is worth noting that nothing he says in that interview has any basis in reality at all.

I offer up a third explanation.  Velociraptor zombies.  We all know they are the only thing in this universe that can make something disappear without a trace of anything.  "But what about signs of a struggle?"  To that I say this: there is no way those settlers were bad ass enough to put up a struggle against velociraptor zombies.

On to the next mass disappearance...

In August of 1915, the 5th Norfolk regiment of the British army vanished into thin air.  There were two potential witnesses who claimed a cloud came from the sky and took them.  The facts, however, also state that they were charging a powerful Turkish army in a remarkably foolish manner.

Of course those damn scientists would use that as a hypothesis.  Perhaps the reason that there were no bodies ever found was because the Turks beat them so badly.  Maybe the Turks set fire to the entire god damn thing when the battle was over just to prove a point.  The Brits also could have also gotten shelled into oblivion.  Either way, the popular opinion is that they got pounded so bad there were no bodies left over to find.

Conspiracy guys, however, have a different explanation for how it happened.   Aliens.  Yes, of course.  Aliens took them.  Maybe they went to colonize another planet like the Roanoke people.  Maybe it was the same planet.  Maybe L. Ron Hubbard knows more about this.  Maybe we should dig up his body and probe his brain...

Hold the shovels for a second guys, I can tell you exactly what happened to these men.  Velociraptor zombies.  We have already established that they can make entire groups disappear.  Now we know they can make entire groups of soldiers with guns disappear as well.

Ok, enough with the easy ones.  Let`s try to find something without such a cut and dried explanation. Ah, here we go...

This one involves the residents of Hoer-Verde, a small town in Brazil.  There were over 600 of them that disappeared overnight.  It happened in 1923.  A police investigation was launched.  All that was left was a gun that had been fired the previous day and some words written on a chalkboard.  Those words were  "There is no salvation."

I wasn`t able to find a scientific explanation for this one.  However, it is Brazil, and it very well could have been armed thugs who somehow escaped from Rio kidnapping 600 people for ransom then deciding to just kill everyone eventually.  Brazil is known for crazy individuals.  If you are a woman and have ever been to Rio, you know they will cut your finger off for your wedding ring.  There is really nothing all that far fetched about thinking a group of them might march 600 people into a Piranha infested river. 

Most conspiracy theorists won`t even touch this.  The alien thing has gotten old.  Plus, aliens don`t write words on chalkboards.  They usually don`t give anyone time to write words on a chalkboard either.  They are pretty efficient about their abductions.  Pretty much everyone is coming up short on this one.

Except me.  Velociraptor zombies.  "There is no salvation" against velociraptor zombies.  However, there also wasn`t a lot of damage to the village itself, so these velociraptor zombies must have been very careful.  Or maybe they just don`t eat buildings...

Let`s go a bit deeper into the rabbit hole with this next one. 

In 1930, an entire Eskimo village disappeared  This time there were over 2,000 of them.  A tracker happened upon the place and found food still being cooked in some of the homes.  There were no tracks leading too or from the village.  The strangest fact of all, however, was that not only were the people gone, but the bones of their ancestors had been dug up and taken as well.

There is a somewhat logical explanation for this, however it is unlikely.  Eskimos used to have some sort of tradition, where when they got too old they would just walk out into the wilderness and die.  Ok, but that doesn`t work with an entire town. 

The alien theory doesn`t work either.  Aliens just don`t steal bones.  They don`t have dogs so they have no need for bones.  It is possible, however, that L Ron Hubbard recruited them for Scientology.  I have heard that if you lack the money for the courses, the bones of your ancestors will do just fine.

What say I?  Of course, velociraptor zombies.  That would explain the bones being gone, because the velociraptor zombies would have dug them up and ate them.  We already know they can be careful to not break anything after what we seen them do in Brazil.  In my opinion, velociraptor zombies are the only way this could have logically happened.

Let`s wrap this up with one of the weirdest stories I came across in my research.  A school for students with ESP in Vanuatu, which is a group of islands in the South Pacific, disappeared completely, buildings and all.  One of the students was gone at the time of the disappearance and when questioned about whether anything out of the ordinary was going on at the school, she replied that the teachers and some of the students were trying to build a time machine.

Of course, I could not find a source to confirm or deny that there ever really was a school for kids with ESP on the islands of Vanuatu.  It is mostly just a tourist spot.  It is a nice tropical place that is only threatened by cyclones from April to November.  However, it is possible there was something there.  As I said before, I was not able to confirm nor DENY it.

So, if there was something there, velociraptor zombies are out.  We have already learned they don`t eat buildings.  Aliens are a no go, kids with ESP could fight them off like the X-Men used to.  Science would probably go with the fact that my sources for this one are shady to say the very least.  Actually, they are probably shady if I was going to describe them in the very best way possible.  I think science may win this round...

All told, these are mysteries that will most likely never be 100% solved.  At least not in the minds of everyone, if you count the crazy people as `everyone`.   They are, however, fun for us to speculate about and have a row over.        

Until next time...

Comment on this story, by emailing  or join the SOP friend network with your Google, Yahoo, AOL, MSN or one ID account located on the front page of

I am from site and digging the net I found out "mass disappearances what really happened" article... I am really happy, now I know the thruth behind all the tragedy, velociraptor zombies, for a moment in life I thought there was mapinguari...

But forget the jokes, it was really good to see the mention in your site and because of this I made a English version. The feedback is the kind of thing that make my day.

Keep the good work there,

Greetings from Brazil,