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Published:July 31st, 2008 09:55 EST
The Montauk Monster Terrifying Millions Worldwide

The Montauk Monster Terrifying Millions Worldwide

By Robert Paul Reyes

I lived in the beautiful island city of Alameda, California for a few years. The beach was within walking distance of my home, and rarely a day would go by that I didn`t jog or suntan on the beach.

There were always gorgeous sights to greet me (thong-clad hotties), but sometimes strange things washed up on the beach to mar the scenery. The tide would bring in everything from assorted trash to the remains of sea life that defied description.

But a monster has washed up on the beach in Montauk, New York that goes far beyond anything I`ve ever seen. Yes, Virginia, there are monsters in this world, and maybe the tide has delivered one to a beach near you. Be afraid... be very afraid.

The Montauk Monster has captured the imagination of millions worldwide. Instead of googling "Britney Spears nude pics" or "Paris Hilton sex tape", enquiring minds are googling "Montauk Monster."

"An unknown creature that washed up on the beach in Montauk, New York, has been dubbed the "Montauk Monster" and captivated the American imagination.

Speculation about the identity of the Montauk Monster is rampant. Many skeptical Americans believe that the Montauk Monster is a publicity stunt. The most conspiracy-minded are sure the Montauk monster is detritus from a sinister government operation. The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA)-operated Plum Island animal testing facility is nearby, fueling the belief that the USDA is responsible; some would see the Montauk Monster as a hideous USDA experiment gone wrong while others might consider it a not -so-unexpected byproduct of animal experimentation. The simplest explanation might be that the Montauk Monster is a natural mutation of some sort of ordinary Earth animal, but which one?"

Quotation from The Associated Content/Carole Bengle Gilbert

My quotation isn`t from the National Enquirer, but from the Associated Content, a reputable news source.

Gilbert provides us with some startling possibilities as to the nature of this monster, and they are worth considering.

It could be a publicity stunt by a studio to promote an upcoming horror movie: The Montauk Monster`s Murderous Rampage!

I wouldn`t rule out a sinister government operation, considering all the hideous things that the Bush administration is responsible for: Katrina aftermath, mortgage meltdown, Iraq war... The ill-conceived, illegal, botched Iraq war makes the Montauk Monster look like Jessica Alba.

Gilbert did a great job pointing out some possible explanations for the Montauk Monster, but I have a couple of my own.

The Montauk Monster could be the illegitimate offspring of Dick Cheney and Madeline Albright. I concede that the monster is better looking than Cheney and Albright, but sometimes ugly parents produce a child that is better looking than them.

It could be the pitiful remains of the John McCain presidential campaign, a coroner should pronounce this turkey dead.

The most important question is "What is it?", the next important question is "What should be done with the remains of the Montauk Monster?

It`s a good thing that the Montauk Monster wasn`t found in trailer park in Kentucky -- it would have been deep fried and served up for dinner by now.

This monster has really scared the BeJesus out of me, I believe it should be nuked to Kingdom Come.

If my editor posts a pic of the Montauk Monster, I am not liable for your ensuing psychiatric problems; please contact her, and not me.