January 1st, 2007 10:59 EST
George W. Bush's Top 10 Resolutions for 2007
President Bush has had a very rough 2006. To start with, he turned 60 in August and, by November 8, Bush looked and felt 85.
Only Saddam Hussein had a worse year than Bush, but at least Saddam no longer has to worry about broken resolutions, income taxes, or gaining weight.
Bush, on the other hand, has made his 2007 resolutions public as listed below. Included are the actions Bush intends to take in order to meet his resolutions:
* Get U.S. Troops out of Iraq.
Action: Order them to invade Iran.
* Avoid impeachment by a hostile Congress.
Action: Order the Marines to take over the U.S. House and Senate mailrooms with orders to destroy and all subpoenas.
* Avoid ridicule during the State of the Union speech.
Action: Tape it and send a DVD copy to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.
* Improve approval rating to 35%.
Action: Hire Jeb Bush as the new White House pollster.
* Minimize the effectiveness of Nancy Pelosi.
Action: When signing the Defense Appropriations bill, attach a Signing Statement to revoke California`s statehood, thereby making Pelosi ineligible to serve as Speaker.
* Ease Concerns about border security.
Action: Cancel border fence and move southern border to Nicaragua.
* Fix illegal immigration crisis.
Action: Pardon all 20 million illegal aliens now in America.
* Meet military recruitment goals.
Action: Bring back the draft and conscript needed bodies from among those former illegal aliens.
* Improve foreign language skills.
Action: Take remedial English at Crawford City College and work to make Spanish America`s official language.
* End partisan battles with Democrats
Action: Change party affiliation to Democrat, and destroy that Veto pen in the Oval office.
Good luck, Mr. Bush!