Ever the opportunistic populist, Comrade Hillary Rodham Clinton is seeking to make class warfare the hallmark of her 2008 presidential campaign.
Speaking before a room filled with hypnotized Democrats, Her Ladyship declared that she wants government to "take" excessive oil profits and "put them into a strategic energy fund."
There she goes again! Dragging out the old "obscene profits" ploy used by Democrats since the beginning of time to rally the poor and middle classes against the wildly successful.
However, in her haste to label the oil industry as un-American, Hillary appears to have overlooked a few treasure coves. In the interest of helping the senator get to the bottom of obscene once and for all, the following letter was FAXED to her office moments ago:
February 2, 2006
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Dear Senator Clinton:
Congratulations on your recent remarks concerning the obscene profits enjoyed by the "big oil" cabals of America. How utterly clever and decent of you to expose those greedy corporate executives who actually believe that business exists solely to earn profits.
How did America diminish so tragically, Hillary? Why have moguls at Exxon, Shell, et al. lost sight of the real objective of private enterprise: Namely, to provide jobs for the unwashed and to pay obscene federal taxes?
While you deserve non-stop kudos for taking on big oil, obscene wealth seems to have trickled into other segments of our society.
Please consider these scoundrels who are giving excessive profitability a bad name:
Oprah Winfrey is reportedly a billionaire, although her contributions to America are dubious, at best. With her mind-boggling prattle about diets and blah, blah, blah, Winfrey is surely responsible for "dumbing down" more housewives and welfare queens than any individual or corporation in the United States.
To the best of my knowledge, Oprah Winfrey produces no product that is used to heat homes, or to fuel vehicles that Americans rely on for transportation to and from their jobs, schools, and to seek medical care.
Why are Oprah's billions less obscene than those of Exxon?
George Soros is another name that immediately comes to mind whenever obscene and profit are used in tandem. As with Oprah, Soros is not a vital cog in the energy supply that 300 hundred million Americans rely on.
Of course, Soros is a huge contributor to liberal causes and Democrat politicians, but that would not matter to a noble soul who is on a non-partisan mission to save the planet. Right?
Katie Couric of CBS News has a nice smile, for which she is reportedly paid $20 million a year. To plenty of Americans, that is obscene, Hillary!
Why is Couric's profiteering less offensive than that of Shell Oil?
Barry Bonds is a household name to sports fans all over the world. The San Francisco star will be 44 years old in July, and suffers from a damaged knee and other aliments common to a man of his age.
In spite of the fact that he can barely walk, Barry Bonds is paid $20 million a year for hitting a baseball!
Is there anything in the world more obscene than a 44-year old man with gimpy knees earning $20 million a year for smacking a baseball?
Does the name Ted Kennedy ring a bell? The senator from Massachusetts is "loaded"--and is obscenely wealthy to boot. In the odd moment when Kennedy is sober, he should be pursued as a benefactor for America's urgently needed energy fund.
And let us not forget a terrific source of undeserved wealth--Hollywood! You know the glamorous airheads who make movies that are mostly unfit to watch, and who are paid millions and millions of dollars for doing so!
Forget the oil barons. Hollywood stars should be at the very top of your "taking" list, Hillary. Or have you not heard that Hollywood, once your greatest constituency, has gone bonkers over Barack Obama?
There are other individuals and institutions that make a mockery of the American Dream with obscene profits. Pay particular attention to those who contribute nothing to homeland security, the nation's energy supply, or national defense. These are the really "obscene."
Finally, if your "taking" comes up a bit short of the needed funds, you may wish to consider asset accounts shared by you and Bill. If push comes to shove, you could always write a check to the United States treasury yourself.
By so doing, you would prove your absolute commitment to solving America's energy crisis, while at the same time relieving some of the guilt that must constantly haunt you and Bill in light of the obscene profits that you both have enjoyed.
John W. Lillpop
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!