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Published:February 13th, 2007 14:17 EST
Yikes! A Helen Thomas Look Alike? Get me a bucket of stones!   (SATIRE)

Yikes! A Helen Thomas Look Alike? Get me a bucket of stones! (SATIRE)

By John Lillpop

This major media event will be held on the White House lawn on March 21 of each year.

Contestant eligibility:

-Age limit: No one under 75 is eligible. There is no upper limit.

-Ugly men and transvestites encouraged to enter.

-Must be at least 50 lbs. overweight (weigh-in before event dinner).

-Democrats only (bring proof of registration).

-Speech impediment is a plus.

-Wrinkle volume subject to confirmation using mass spectrometry

-Each Contestant is solely responsible for his/her make-up costs

-All results are final

Grand prize:

Two free Botox appointments with the best dermatologist/plastic surgeon in Baghdad. Contestant pays all air fare and living expenses, or

A weekend in Washington, D.C. with Helen Thomas. Winner must sleep with Helen at least two nights in her luxury condominium. Contestant responsible for all post-Helen trauma therapy and drugs.

Consolation Prize:

Two weekends with Helen in DC.

Janet Reno, winner of the 2006 contest, will be selling "I Survived Sleeping with Helen Thomas" T-Shirts at DNC headquarters after the contest ends.

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John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, 'clean and sober' since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable! Writing is his passion. He loves creating lively copy with irony and humor!