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Published:March 12th, 2007 07:00 EST
Apple Gate - Ann Coulter Exposed

Apple Gate - Ann Coulter Exposed

By John Lillpop




Satire by John W. Lillpop

Of Ann Coulter's many outstanding physical attributes--long blond hair, crystal-blue eyes, drop-dead gorgeous smile, movie-star skin, and on and on--the one feature that really stands out is her Adam's Apple.

Adam's Apple? Who in Hades gives a tinker's damn about the Adam's Apple?

By the way, just what in Hades is the function of an Adam's Apple? Other than for gulping, just what does the Adam's Apple do to earn its keep?

Do we really need the damn thing, or is it a superfluous organ in the Divine scheme, piously known as "intelligent design?"
A brilliant idea from on high that simply did not work out?

Sort of like the brain given to liberals--not good enough to be on the A team, therefore, dysfunctional due to lack of use?

To understand where I am coming from, take a close look at Ann's Adam's Apple. It protrudes menacingly, in a sexy sort of way.

And when Ann breaks into uncontrollable laughter-- after exposing even more liberal hypocrisy--her Adam's Apple sort of gyrates, as if the damn thing is about to explode right through the most beautiful throat in political punditry.

It's an angry sort of expression, when you really get down to it.

To find the underlying cause of this vastly underreported story, which is called Apple Gate in sophisticated journalism circles, I assigned my undercover assistant, wolfebabe007, to do some basic research and report back to me.

True to her professional reputation, wolfebabe007 has provided the following executive summary about some of the better known political stars:

Teddy Kennedy:

Has several very large cocktail olives lodged in his throat. However, no obvious sign of an Adams' Apple.

Bill Clinton:

To stave off a threatened lawsuit, Slick Willie had his Adam's Apple surgically transplanted into the throat of Monica Lewinsky. Further details are available to those who can prove they are at least 18 years old.

Nancy Pelosi:

Wrinkles and multiple layers of Botox make it impossible to see if the Speaker actually has an Adam's Apple.

And what about America's favorite daughter, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton?

In the fine tradition of radical feminism, her Ladyship prefers to call it her Eve's Apple!

“The Lord made Adam, the Lord made Eve, he made ‘em both a little bit naive.” by Harburg, E.Y.