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Published:March 19th, 2007 05:30 EST
Intellectuals Anonymous Anyone !

Intellectuals Anonymous Anyone !

By John Lillpop

Satire by John Lillpop

In the grand tradition of American democracy, President Bush and Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi buried the hatchet, shook hands, and agreed to work together during lunch at the White House. In today's ceremony, the hatchet was figurative only, as the president's doctor has forbidden him from handling sharp, dangerous objects since around 10 PM on election night.

In less civilized societies, a bitter political campaign like the one just concluded in America might find opponents still at each other's throats with continued violence a real possibility.

In fact, if America were operating under Islamic Sharia law, Bush would have had the option of stoning Pelosi to death for failing to cover her face in public. All things considered, keeping Pelosi's kisser under wraps would probably be a good idea, and in the best interest of the American people.

Rumor has it that Bush considered stoning, but in the end decided that it would be "cruel and unusual," even though the target would be a deserving liberal.

In other words, Bush lacked the stones to do the stoning. Besides, the president will need a well-rested right arm in January to fulfill his constitutional duty as veto-commander-in-chief, a title that has tragically gone missing since Bush assumed office in 2001.

Moreover, this is America, and we are the world's leaders when it comes to civility, diplomacy, and compromise! It's in our DNA to cooperate with even our most despicable and nasty foes.

To illustrate this principle, President Bush and speaker-elect Pelosi made several public gestures of reciprocity and nonpartisan goodwill including:

 

  • Pelosi agreed to tutor Bush on pronouncing "nuclear," and Bush will teach Pelosi to blink.

     

     

  • Pelosi gave Bush a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous," and he presented her with "House Keeping for Dummies."

     

     

  • On a more personal level, Pelosi gifted Bush with a dozen-used razor blades wrapped in a tally sheet showing the final Democrat and GOP head counts in the House and Senate. Bush gave Pelosi a make-up kit with mascara that melts when exposed to bright lights for more than 12 seconds, like at an historic swearing-in ceremony, for example.

     

    And in a final testament to their new bonding, Bush and Pelosi announced the formation of a new Mensa chapter in Washington, D.C. with the president and speaker-elect
    appointed as permanent co-chairs, at least until Bush is removed from office by Pelosi's impeachment machine.

    The only "down moment" came when Bush discovered Pelosi in the Oval Office measuring the windows for drapes and matching the carpet coloring with shades of her lipstick.

    Even then, civility prevailed as the president politely excused himself, saying only that he needed to find a rock quarry, a jack hammer, and a Muslim cleric with a powerful throwing arm as soon as possible!

    John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!