April 22nd, 2007 14:19 EST
Celebrating Earth Day with a Flame
In order to commemorate Earth Day with the appropriate PC spirit and chutzpah, the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming and Electing Al President" has sanctioned a list of ten ways to celebrate Earth Day.
Mind you, these are not mandatory, provided one can prove a disabling handicap or mental disorder and is a properly registered Democrat!
Ten Ways to Celebrate Earth Day:
1. Take a friend to see An Inconvenient Truth.
2. Discretely fertilize your neighbor's expensive manicured lawn with a special anti-power lawnmower spray invented by Al Gore.
This calling to do the Lord's work is perfect for those who struggle to sleep and works best if done between the hours of 2-4 am.
Al's lawn gore is guaranteed to eliminate the need for carbon-noxious lawn mowers for at least three years. Available at goretheglobalwarmingho.gov
Mention this ad and get a free referral to a local attorney who specializes in defending those accused of property destruction felonies.
3. Take two friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.
4. Invest in a carbon exchange corporation that is committed to ending global warming, while making obscene profits appear patriotic and "green."
A very strong referral in this emerging business sector is the new enterprise known as the "Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud."
This low tech misadventure is headquartered in Nashville, Tennessee on Al Gores' 20,000 square foot "carbon neutral" mansion. Investors are advised to bring cash only-- shares will not be released based on credit cards or checks.
The Barbara Boxer School of Junk Science and Investment Fraud will hold the company's first annual meeting on April 22. Senator Boxer will deliver the keynote speech titled, "How Global Warming Can Impact Your Bar Mitzvah, Retirement, and Circumcision."
Light, kosher refreshments will be sold at the event.
5. Take three friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.
6. Help Al and friends develop an "Enemies of Earth" database for use on future global warming activism projects and for Al's next run for president.
The objective is to identify those who refuse to worship at the altar of global warming and who mock the Lord's work on this vital issue.
Most of the offenders are Caucasian Christian Republicans, mostly angry males. Al needs to create a database of such people including home address, e-mail, phone number, church affiliation, social security numbers, and all substantiated (unsubstantiated OK if real juicy) dirt that can be used in the 2008 presidential election.
7. Take four friends to see An Inconvenient Truth.
8. Volunteer for the "Pulitzer Prize for Al Gore" campaign.
When Al Gore received an Academy Award for his objective and scientifically impartial movie, An Inconvenient Truth, the heavens literally opened and the light of truth was delivered to billions of people wallowing in the lies and deceit of those responsible for global warming.
Because of his heroic work to save the planet, Al Gore is a leading candidate for the Pulitzer Prize. You can make a huge contribution to the future of Earth, its six billion human inhabits, and innumerable species in the animal and plant worlds by working to help steer the Pulitzer Prize in Al's direction.
For your "PP For Gore" startup kit and motivational DVD, send $512.37 to the address listed on goretheglobalwarmingho.gov
Non-refundable, not tax deductible.
9. Take five friends to see An Inconvenient Truth, and
10. Take the ultimate vow of obedience for saving Earth.
This step is admittedly not for everyone. It requires those who really care about Earth, children, old people, and pregnant women to make a profound sacrifice.
To those so blessed, the objective is to attack global warming head on by surrendering all motor vehicles to the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming."
Vehicles are accepted at DNC branches in all major cities provided one has a lien-free title to the vehicle, or a funding date for retirement of any outstanding liens through refinancing.
Please leave the keys in your vehicle and arrange for return transportation for all in your party. The DNC cannot provide or arrange for transportation.
Well, there you have it, moon bats! The liberal way to celebrate Earth Day with PC gusto!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.