April 27th, 2007 16:35 EST
The Fall of the Ham Sandwich: Precursor to Armageddon?
Although my formal education in theology is negligible (zero), I am spiritually enlightened enough to know that the Almighty uses "signs" to warn his flocks of impending doom.
Examples from the beginning of time include earthquakes, and rumors of earthquakes, floods, pestilence, tsunamis, and other catastrophic events, like the Democrats regaining majority control of the U.S. Congress.
All of these are warnings from on high which, when accompanied by blaring trumpets and angels dressed in black, are His way of letting us know that the end is nigh.
With respect to kicking Democrats out of Congress, Dear Lord, we pray that you will deliver us from that evil, sooner rather than later!
A new and very ominous sign is now emerging, and this one involves fundamental American values. Should this travesty take hold, it could lead to the end of western civilization, as we now know it.
The issue: Liberalism gone amuck has reached the point where the Ham Sandwich, symbol of all that is good and holy in America, is under assault.
Example: Wantonly leaving a ham sandwich on a dining table at which Muslims are seated is a Hate Crime in certain communities overly infested with liberalism.
Future horror: Mentioning ham sandwiches within 2,500 yards of any Muslim faithful and or mosque may be designated as Hate Speech and could lead to an arrest.
Praise be to Allah?
Recognize, please, the gravity of this situation: Eliminating the ham sandwich could be the final blow to America the great.
Without a ham sandwich to practice on, aspiring prosecutors might end up violating legal ethics, like Mike Nifong did with his outrageous indictment of the Duke University lacrosse team.
Alternatively, an attorney without ham sandwich training might convict a person who has committed no crime, as Patrick Fitzgerald did to Scooter Libby.
Bottom Line: The ham sandwich is vital to American jurisprudence, and must not be tampered with, Allah notwithstanding!
Next: Consider the impact on America`s political system. Without pork to dispense and trade, politicians from both parties would unable to function.
There would be no war funding bills passed, and no "bridges to no where" for Alaska. The term "earmark" would become obsolete were pork banned from the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress.
On the crime and terrorism front, medical studies not yet released indicate that "ham sandwich deprivation" can lead to violent and anti-social behavior such as ramming jet planes into buildings, suicide bombings, and decapitation of infidels for sins against Allah, like believing that the Holocaust actually took place.
Going against the grain of liberalism, nutritionists and anti-terror experts are recommending that Muslims be forced to eat ham sandwiches, starting with children in day care centers, in order to enhance homeland security.
The theory is that by converting all those scrawny 110-pound potential terrorists into 300-pound "typical" Americans, we might be able to prevent another 9/11.
Too fat to hate is the technical medical term.
Asked to comment on the latest developments, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said:
"The problem is not with Jihad or Muslims. The real tragedy is that George W. Bush has eaten way too many ham sandwiches for good mental health.
We need to remove all pork from the White House kitchen. Maybe then we will have a chance to end the war and save America!"
As always, Nancy says it like no one else can, or would if they could!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.