June 9th, 2007 13:45 EST
Dubya Suffers Upset Stomach at G8: Too Much Amnesty Crow?
Satire Breaking news from Europe indicates that an upset stomach caused President Bush to miss several important meetings and events at the G8 summit in Europe.
Breitbart: Although the White House has made no official announcement, speculation is focused on three recent events back home that appear to have upset Dubya's delicate tummy.
Specifically, the president is said to be bothered by: (1) The Paris Hilton crisis,
(2) Collapse of the bipartisan amnesty agreement in the U.S. Senate, and (3) Dick Cheney's wonky heart defibrillator, and the possibility that Speaker Pelosi might move into the VP's office.
A team of top-notch constitutional lawyers is reportedly meeting with the president to discuss procedures for invoking the National Security Presidential Directive issued by the president on May 9 of this year. Under the terms of that directive, the president may declare a national emergency and, having done so, may take whatever action he deems necessary to deal with the national crisis, without congressional or judicial oversight.
A rough draft of the presidential decree has been leaked to the press and reads as follows: "In accordance with the powers vested in me, by me, in the National Security Presidential Directive dated May 9, 2007, I hereby declare a national emergency and order the following actions to be implemented immediately:
* Paris Hilton is hereby pardoned for all past, present, and future violations of local, state, and federal statutes, including all felonies and misdemeanors. * All illegal aliens currently in America are hereby pardoned and set free to do work that Americans will not do, and
* The Presidential Succession Act of 1947, executed by President Harry S. Truman, provides that the Speaker of the House shall be second in the line of succession to the presidency. That Act is hereby rendered null and void. In conjunction with the above steps, I hereby designate Harriet Miers of Texas to replace the Speaker of the House in the presidential line of succession.
This precautionary measure is taken to assure continuity of competent government in the unlikely event that Vice President Cheney and your president are both unable to serve at the same time. These are dangerous and difficult times for Americans. However, we Americans have always met our challenges head on.
I am confident that my order, officially titled the "Paris Hilton, Harriet Miers, and Illegal Alien Emancipation Act of 2007," will lead to greater opportunities and prosperity for all Americans." Signed,