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Published:July 9th, 2007 03:21 EST
Jamestown Settlements: Illegal Immigration Run Amuck

Jamestown Settlements: Illegal Immigration Run Amuck

By John Lillpop

Satire

During the recent debate on illegal immigration, culminating with the defeat of amnesty bill S1639, conservatives generally voiced righteous indignation at proposed legislation that would legalize 12-30 million people who entered this nation illegally.

For their insistence on enforcement of borders and rule of law, conservatives were attacked as bigoted racists, xenophobes, and uninterested in doing what is best for America.

Regrettably, some of those attacks originated with Republican senators and even the president.

Illegal immigration and resistance thereto actually has a rich and storied place in American history.

To begin with, on April 26, 1607 three British ships, the Susan Constant, the Godspeed, and the Discovery made landfall in the New World, and eventually established a settlement at what is now known as Jamestown.

These brave men and boys (there were no women among the original settlers) numbered 104, all of whom were Caucasian Europeans, who later became known as angry white males.

Angry white males came to the New World only to pursue a better life for themselves and their families.  In fact, however, these courageous men and boys were America's first illegal aliens.

Considering the fact that they included no women in their sea faring adventures, they were also sexist pigs, misogynists, and probably latent homosexuals who, most probably, died in San Francisco bars.

Native American Indians living in the Jamestown area in 1607 included the Pembroke, Paspahegh, Nansemonds, and Powhatan tribes, among others.

Indians were blatant in their use of racial profiling and discrimination against "pale face" Europeans, and were the nation's first bigoted racists and xenophobes.

In today's world, there would surely be an ACLU lawyer assigned to every few teepees just to keep an eye on those racist Indians and their tendency to engage in anti-white violence.

What a kick that would be-- the ACLU actually working on behalf of white folks for a change!

Had American Indians been successful in preventing good-hearted, hard-working white settlers from migrating to Jamestown, several calamitous effects would have ensured:

* Diversity Sucks, Red Power Rocks! would be inscribed on all national currency and coins;

* Smoke signals would still be in vogue as a communication tool, leading to a pandemic of second hand smoke deaths;

* Bows and arrows would still be the weapons of choice, instead of nuclear devices capable of making a city like Moscow glow with a blue hue for 15,000 years;

* Tribal gambling casinos in California would be open 24/7, not subject to any taxes, and exempt from all local, state, and federal laws;

*Retail answering machines would instruct callers to punch 1 for Indian, 2 for Spanish, and 3 to make an appointment with an Indian language instructor;

*The American bald eagle would be the meat of choice on days devoted to thanksgiving, and turkeys would be an endangered species; and,

*Islamic extremists would be honored for their devotion to mayhem and murder and would be revered for their beheading skills.

Of course, American Indians were unable to stop illegal immigration.

This is why the continent is now saddled with outrageous dunderheads and situations like George W. Bush, Nancy Pelosi, the IRS, Al Gore's Internet and global warming inventions, Paris Hilton, Arabian horse executives like Michael Brown, "Brownie," being assigned to handle Category Five hurricanes, and excessive cell phone roaming fees!

To those who doubt the impact that unchallenged illegal immigration can have on a nation's culture and language, remember Jamestown and Native American Indians!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.