August 30th, 2007 05:02 EST
Did Larry Craig Lie Under Oath When He Plead Guilty!
In another distressing sign pointing to the moral and ethical decay of the grandest society known to God, Senator Larry Craig has committed an unforgivable sin for any official entrusted with the public trust: The man lied!
This accusation is as true as rain, whatever the Hades that means.
Consider the aggravating circumstances: If Senator Craig lied when he entered his "guilty" plea in August, while knowing that he was in, fact, not guilty, then this scalawag is guilty of unadulterated perjury.
Remember that Craig was under oath at the time his plea was entered!
For that crime, Craig should be banned from all airports and adjoining men's rooms for life. That may seem like "cruel and unusual" punishment, but the higher courts can sort all that out.
If, on the other hand, this despicable character lied about lying during his "I am not gay" debacle on August 28, then he is guilty of lying.
True, Craig was not under oath during his press statement on the 28th, so technically speaking his lie about lying as well as his "I am not gay" rants are both less serious than his "I am guilty" lie, issued under oath, before a court.
I realize all of these legalese terms are very confusing to non-lawyers.
We need a simple, down to earth solution that the average Joe can understand while gulping down that third six pack of Bud Light right after work and while the steaks are being grilled.
For goodness sakes, keep it simple, Senator!
Here is my simple solution:
Senator Larry Craig should announce that he has switched his party affiliation to Democrat, effective immediately.
That way, no one will ever question Craig's sexuality again, and the American people will automatically assume that Craig is just another Democrat who lies about sex!
What could be simpler?
Hell, if he really acts quickly, Craig could even join the ranks of Hillary Clinton, Dennis Kucinich, Christopher Dodd, and all of the other Democrats running for the White House.
Given the Democrats' tendency to focus intently on issues that concern gays and lesbians, Craig would seem to be a natural. And he might just add a little life to those DULL, DULL, and DULLER debates!
Run, Larry, run!