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Published:March 12th, 2008 08:08 EST

John McCain is unfit to be President

By Robert Paul Reyes

Sen. John McCain, 71, the Republican presidential nominee, does not match up well against Sen. Barack Obama, the most likely Democratic presidential nominee. McCain lacks the energy, charisma, youth and eloquence of Obama. Hopefully, McCain has some backup plans.

McCain lacks the physical vigor necessary to serve in the Senate and to run for president of the United States. In fact, he should immediately resign from Congress.

These are a few of the options available to a man of McCain's advanced age:

Wal-Mart Greeter:

Target and K-Mart would love it if McCain became a Wal-Mart Greeter. McCain's sour puss and surly disposition would drive away customers in droves. Not even the yellow smiley face on McCain's blue Wal-Mart vest would be enough to prevent children from screaming in terror.

Dog Walker

This would be an ideal occupation for McCain, but he would have to be outfitted with a GPS device in case he forgets where to return the dogs.

TV Spokesperson For Hoveround

McCain would make an ideal pitchman for these power wheelchairs for the disabled and the elderly. But McCain shouldn't appear on screen driving one of these motorized scooters with other Hoveround drivers; the risk is too high that he would use his Hoveround as a bumper car and wipe out everyone.

Compensated Endorser for Viagra

McCain: I swear by Viagra, the little blue bill that puts a twinkle in the eyes of little old ladies with blue hair.

Let's get serious, McCain is totally unfit for any job that requires a modicum of energy, congeniality or common sense. What job would be a good fit for McCain? There's only one job in the world that doesn't require any skills, energy or charisma: Vice President.