July 26th, 2008 21:32 EST
Top Ten Things John McCain Can Do To Garner Headlines
Sen. Barack Obama attracts huge crowds at home and abroad, he is treated as a rock star by the adoring press and as a Messiah by the multitudes hungry for change.
What can Sen. John McCain do to grab a few headlines?
*McCain can become a spokesperson for Viagra. This would kill two birds with one stone, he would get a sorely needed infusion of cash and garner publicity.
*Former NASA astronaut Edgar Mitchell recently made the headlines by declaring that aliens have been visiting Earth for decades. McCain can upstage Mitchell by claiming that aliens have visited him at his home. This might get McCain the illegal alien vote, since they might get the impression he is referring to them.
*During the 2000 presidential campaign McCain was hurt by rumors he had fathered an illegitimate black child. McCain can admit that he does have a love child, and her name is Hannah Montana. Tweens can`t vote, but their fathers might be impressed by the geezer`s virility and vote for him.
*McCain can select Jessica Alba as his running mate, this bold move will win him the youth vote and the Hispanic vote.
*McCain can declare that instead of inviting the wining Super Bowl team to the White House, he would extend an invitation to the hot chicks of the Naked Women`s Wrestling League.
*The senior senator from Arizona could threaten not to change his Depends if his ratings don`t improve immediately.
*The old codger could admit that Americans may prefer to have a beer with Obama, but that he`s the dude they would most like to share a joint with.
*The senior statesman could make The Rolling Stones the White House house band.
*He could admit that he`s never seen Jay Leno or David Letterman, because he`s usually in bed by ten. This would win him the favor of folks who don`t like Leno`s huge chin and can`t stand Letterman`s snarkiness.
*He could answer the boxer or briefs question by boldly announcing: Screw boxer and briefs, I like to go commando.