Published:March 1st, 2010 11:49 EST

John's Daily Dump Vol. 10

Daily Dump

...This is John Danz Jr. with John`s Daily Dump on theSOP.org, bringing you your daily dose of off the wall news.  Today`s stories:  Woman sees Jesus in sauce, weed shocks a woman, and man masturbates on the job.

 Segment 1: Jesus Sauce

When Mary Louise Salerno saw Jesus Christ in a bucket of pizza sauce, her instinct was not to alert the media or even to tell many friends.

She did not want people descending on her family`s West Scranton pizzeria, and she did not want to invite critics or doubters of what she felt was a clear sign.

"To us, it was something special," Ms. Salerno, 65, of Old Forge said. "God smiled on us that day."

It was not lost on Maryann Marsico that Jesus appeared at Brownie`s Pizzeria at the start of Lent, a holy Christian time that also happens to spur pizza sales because observers are not supposed to eat meat on Fridays.

"I will never cheat and eat meat again," she said.

What? You see Jesus in your sauce and NOW you vow to not cheat on Lent? How lame is this? As for not wanting very many people to know, surprise! Your monotonous, threadbare story made it to weird news columns nationwide. Hypocrite. Now, upon further review of the photo of this Holy Sauce, I have come to a conclusion: This woman is either really crazy, blind, or arranged the sauce herself. And if it was of her own doing, she did a really horrible job. How many times are people going to see holy figures in their foodstuffs before Americans stop giving a damn? Religious superstition has always made me cringe, and now we`re at the point where a woman saw Jesus in her pizza sauce and wants to clean up her act. This is a patented John`s "Palmface" moment.  ... You know, I must admit I thought I saw Jesus in my computer screen, but it was just because I left an image of Jesus on my screen for too long without a screensaver. My religious friend called it a "holy phosphor burn in."

Segment 2: Woman is Mailed Weed

Police in North Carolina said a woman opened a package she believed to be her new computer and discovered 45 pounds of marijuana.

Lt. Rodney Harris, acting chief of the Salisbury Police Department, said Sarah Howell Leach believed the package she received Tuesday morning was the computer she ordered, but instead she found the stash of pot brought to the wrong address by a UPS driver, The Salisbury (N.C.) Post reported Thursday.

Harris said the package, sent from McAllen, Texas, was meant for another address in Leach`s mobile home park.

First of all, who sends pot through the mail in the first place? If you`re going to make such a risky move in the first place, wouldn`t you make sure you got the RIGHT ADDRESS first? Then again, whoever sent the package is probably a stoner, so this really isn`t all that surprising when you think about it. "John.... dude... that pot we sent went to the wrong place. Brozef just called and said some chick got it and we --"  Dude! I`m recording a f----- show here! Why don`t you go water those "oregano" plants in the backyard or something? And this time, make sure mom doesn`t pick it for her spice rack! Dad nearly fell down the stairs last time he was so baked! F---!

Segment 3: Man Beats His Meat... in Public... Around Meat

A Louisville man suspected of masturbating while working behind the meat counter at a Louisville Safeway is headed toward trial.

Nicholas Lorenzo, 25, was arrested Jan. 31 after a woman told police that she was shopping in a Safeway with her infant when she approached the meat counter and was asked by an employee if she was finding everything, according to an arrest affidavit.

The woman told investigators that she noticed some motion from behind the glass door, and then saw him" holding his penis," the affidavit said. The woman said he was masturbating while talking with her, and when he saw the shocked look on her face, he put his penis back in his pants.

When police confronted Lorenzo about the allegations, he admitted to "having his penis out of his pants," the affidavit said.

This story brings a whole new meaning to "beating your meat." Isn`t that what they make bathroom stalls for? Your car? HOME, perhaps? I see it this way - If you`re having sex in public, you`re cool and willing to take a risk. If you`re playing tug of war with cyclops in public, you`re a depraved, lonely man and that probably speaks volumes in terms of why you`re 25 and working the meat counter at Safeway. I don`t feel sorry for the woman the most here - I feel the most sorry for the people that were served meat by him! What`s worse is, unless they read the story, they could be scarfing down the product of his hormones and impetuousness. Really, you can`t tell your peter that play time has to wait when you`re on the clock, in PUBLIC? Maybe he has that one disease where spontaneous erections force him to have to carrel the tadpoles wherever he is... oh yeah - Pee Wee Herman`s disease. Good lord.

(Closing Skit - Granma gets cocaine in her coffee and goes crazy!)