Published:March 10th, 2010 18:08 EST

John's Daily Dump Vol. 19

The Daily Dump

...This is John Danz Jr. with John`s Daily Dump on theSOP.org, bringing you your daily dose of off the wall news. Today`s stories: Breast milk cheese, Kentucky nimrod didn`t know she was pregnant and delivers baby, and a woman causes a wreck while shaving her pubes - plus a special "apology" and message to the owner of rentafriend.com.

I`d like to begin by saying I`m always looking for feedback. Do I suck? Do I need to be locked in a portable toilet and set on fire? Do you want to marry me? Did I save you from suicide? I want to know! Send all of your comments to undertakerlives@gmail.com, or drop me an IM on AIM at FadeToBlack140. Thanks, you big bunch of nipple-cakes. And, thanks for the support!

Breast milk cheese, anyone? A Manhattan chef has posted a recipe on his blog for what he calls "My spouse`s mommy milk cheese." Daniel Angerer co-owns Klee Brasserie with his wife Lori Mason. A photo on his blog features the cheese encrusted with maple caramelized pumpkin and Concord grapes. They had an overabundance of milk for their newborn, Arabella Caroline. When their small freezer ran out of space, Angerer decided to experiment.

Angerer said his cooking instincts tend toward things natural. But even he admits: "THIS is a whole other level of `natural.`"

Another breast milk story? Well, good thing because I just can`t get enough breastmilk! But that`s a different story entirely. I wonder what this man`s wife would think if she didn`t know? "Here honey, try my new recipe!" "Om nom nom... this is good! What is it?" "Your breastmilk!" "PFFFFFFFFFT! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Some of the older generation needs a little something to make them feel youthful agaain, and what better way to do that than with the familiar taste of breastmilk from the days of old? To hell with prunes and cranberry juice, breastmilk could pick some of these geriatrics right up! "Breastmilk - for those who drink young!"

A 32-year-old Kentucky woman who said she didn`t know that she was pregnant delivered her newborn son on the floor of her laundry room by herself and even cut the umbilical cord. Kelly Bottom told The Advocate-Messenger that she also picked up her other son from school and stopped in at the baby`s grandmother`s house to show her the infant before going to the hospital Thursday.

The newspaper reported the mother and baby were discharged from the hospital Monday after checking in Thursday night.

Bottom said the baby, named Brian Keith Sims, weighed 6 lbs., 15 oz. at birth.

Yeah, that kicking you felt for three months wasn`t just recurring gas - it was a baby. How can you NOT know that you`re pregnant? This woman must be so fat that a baby bump  showing up on her would be like  a brain cell showing up in the state of Michigan.  I can just imagine the look in her face when that baby started coming out. I would  take this child and put in a foster home immediately, because if she didn`t know she was pregnant, she`s not going to be a competent mother. Period. Apparently, missing 8 or 9 periods meant nothing to her, either. Then again, this is Kentucky. Oh, I kid Kentucky! You gave us fried chicken, bluegrass, and... I`m sure there`s something else in there worth mentioning... oh yeah, idiot senator Jim Bunning. Very well played.

The Florida Highway Patrol alleges a two-vehicle crash in Cudjoe Key, Fla., was caused by a female motorist trying to shave her private parts.Trooper Gary Dunick alleges the woman, identified as Megan Mariah Barnes, was attempting to shave her bikini area while her former husband was holding the wheel when Barnes` car crashed into the back of a pickup truck, the Key West (Fla.) Citizen reported Friday.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Dunick alleges. "If I wasn`t there, I wouldn`t have believed it."

Two female passengers in the pickup truck were treated for minor injuries after Tuesday`s accident.

Authorities said one day before the accident, Barnes was convicted of driving under the influence with a prior and driving with a suspended license, the Citizen reported. As a result of the conviction, her driver`s license was revoked for five years and her car was supposed to be impounded.

The Citizen said Barnes, 37, is facing charges of driving with a revoked license, reckless driving and driving with no insurance. She is also facing a charge of leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries for allegedly driving an additional half-mile after Tuesday`s crash.

Talk about a close shave! I think if this were a guy, we`d have another odd story: "Man severs penis after traffic accident." Now since I have nothing further for this, I would like to expand on an e-mail I received from Scott Rosenbaum the owner of rentafriend.com. Scott has informed me that his site isn`t an online friend site, it`s a site where the rented friends actually hang out with each other. For my mistake, I apologize.

...However, your site is still a testament to the lame lengths people will go to for company. PAYING someone to hang out with them is pretty much saying they have no discernable admirable, charming qualities to them and they are so insipid  and mind-numbing that they have to PAY someone to waste their time with them. It`s pathetic. So kudos to you, Mr. Roseybum, for perpetuating yet another social networking atrocity upon an already socially deficient culture. Oh, and good luck on your next endeavor - RentADrunkenStepfather.com. You know, for those of us who have had perfect lives and need a taste of the other side. You may as well be doing that anyway. By the way, you`re welcome for the publicity - I`m sure my listeners are dying to pay some half-wit to be their friend. We have standards here at John`s Daily Dump. Reducing friendships to that of prostitution, one poor sap at a time - rentafriend.com.