Published:March 12th, 2010 14:42 EST

John's Daily Dump Vol. 21

...This is John Danz Jr. with John`s Daily Dump on theSOP.org, bringing you your daily dose of off the wall news. Today`s stories:  PETA pays for more propaganda, Canada`s leaders give the finger to the EU, and women are injected with bathtub caulk.

I`d like to begin again by saying I`m always looking for feedback. Do I suck? Do I need to be beaten with heavy, spiked clubs and left as wolf food? Do you adore me? Did I make you laugh until your intestines hurt? I want to know! Send all of your comments to undertakerlives@gmail.com, or drop me an IM on AIM at FadeToBlack140. Thanks, you big bunch of nipple-cakes. And, thanks for the support!

 The animal rights group PETA is offering to help the cash-strapped city of Colorado Springs by paying to put trash cans back in parks " on one condition. The cans have to carry an anti-meat slogan and a picture of a woman in a lettuce bikini.

The city stopped picking up trash in parks to save money, and all the trash cans have been removed.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals told city officials Wednesday they`d pay for new trash cans saying "Meat Trashes the Planet" and "Go Vegan." The cans also have PETA`s logo and the lettuce-clad model.

Mayor Lionel Rivera says he`ll consider the offer if it PETA also pays to have the trash picked up and hauled to the dump.

But he joked that the Colorado Beef Council might demand equal time.

Here`s another example of PETA trying to weasel their way into the public eye. PETA is one of those special interest groups that just need to either self-destruct or keep their meetings underground. Does PETA really think they can sway the meat-eating public with some stupid slogans and pictures? Hey PETA, we`re all well aware that you`d give your own meaningless lives to save a fly - keep it to yourselves, would you please? I`m glad the only time these imbeciles gain notoriety is when one of their leaders shows support for the death of animal rights activists because it just makes them lose even more credibility. Steve Irwin fans will know what I mean.

Canadian parliamentarians tucked into a meal of seal meat on Wednesday to defy both animal right activists and the European Union, which has banned imports of seal products.

Some two dozen guests, surrounded on all sides by media, crammed into a small room off the main parliamentary restaurant to hear speeches backing the annual hunt off Canada`s East Coast, which the EU says is inhumane.

"This support begins on the plates of Canadians," said federal Fisheries Minister Gail Shea as she prepared to eat three small medallions of double-smoked bacon-wrapped seal loin in a port reduction.

The EU imposed its ban last year after a decades-long fight by what Shea called "misguided and mean-spirited" anti-seal-hunt activists. The seals are either shot or hit over the head with a spiked club called a hakapik, which critics say is cruel.

All of Canada`s major political parties say they are in favor of the hunt, which takes place on ice floes in March and April.

This is a perfect follow-up to a bashing of PETA. I admire the Canadian parliament`s balls and wit here. Eating seals as a gigantic "eat shit" to the EU and other animal rights groups. Animals do have rights - the right to be delicious. Don`t get me wrong, I love animals, but I also like being nourished - what better way to do that than with a big hunk of cow, pork, fish or seal for that matter? I wish our government was this clever. This is why Canada will always outrank us socially and economically - their politicians are creative and have balls.

Special thanks to an unlikely new friend for this story.

 Six New Jersey women from Essex County have been hospitalized after a mishap involving buttocks augmentation injections since mid February.

The injections contained the same silicone that is used to caulk bathtubs. Apparently, the women were treated by unlicensed providers.

It is unclear whether or not these cases are related, and no arrests have been made.

The injections that the women received appear to be "a diluted version of nonmedical-grade silicone," according to the Associated Press.

The six women underwent surgery and were treated with antibiotics.

This brings a whole new meaning to the term "plumber`s crack." I don`t blame the provider of the bathtub caulk, I blame the idiots who got it from an unlicensed practitioner. Why would you need Botox in your ass anyway? If you want to have a bigger ass, shove a midget down your pants. Pad it with towels or something. You know, like guys who put a roll of quarters in their pocket to make it look like they have a huge pecker. Guys don`t need huge asses, and they have no real way to increase their penis sizes - why can`t you ladies be happy with what you have? Trust me, most men are such idiots that I don`t think they care what you look like as long as you`re willing to put out. So why risk plastic surgery? Superficial culture, inadequacy, all the reasons exist, but I still think that plastic surgery is the biggest indicator of the skin-deep culture we inhabit, and as long as there`s superficial nimrods to please, plastic surgery will never run out of business.