Published:March 15th, 2010 17:53 EST

John's Daily Dump: Vagina Cologne and Detroit Smells Bad

Daily Dump

...This is John Danz Jr. with John`s Daily Dump on theSOP.org, bringing you your daily dose of off the wall news. Today`s stories:  John`s Daily Dumbass, vagina cologne,  Detroit smells bad and a fat woman wants to get 400 pounds fatter.

City officials in Detroit say workers at three city buildings will soon have to monitor their scents or face possible warnings.

The Detroit News said Sunday that placards will be put up in the three Detroit buildings detailing the new guidelines on employees` use of such scented items as cologne or perfume.

The notices due at the Cadillac Square Building, Coleman A. Young Municipal Center and First National Building will also ask employees to refrain from using air fresheners and scented candles while on the job.

The new regulations are the result of the city`s settlement of a 2008 lawsuit filed by a city planner, who claimed she had breathing sensitivity due to a co-worker`s perfume.

If you`ve been to Detroit, you know one thing: It sucks. Well, two things: It sucks and it smells. Horrifying. Therefore, when you get a break from the putrid scents of the city, you shouldn`t have to inhale the bottle and a half of Axe your coworker slapped on himself because he was either too lazy to take a shower, or the much more logical reasoning: he thinks the women who will be forced to smell him all day in the office will want to jump his bones because he smells like the discount perfume section at a French flea market.  This story brings to mind weightlifting class my senior year. Every time you walked into the locker room, you were hit with a combination of 10 different scents of body sprays, enough putrescent stench to straighten Richard Simmons` hair. It was sort of akin to being locked in a gas chamber. Men are really stupid these days - they think that spraying some canned incense all over their clothes is going to get a woman to jump on their pole. Slathering oneself in Axe has become a surrogate bath or shower as of late, and my nose doesn`t thank any of these lazy cretins.

 A 602-lb 42-year-old from New Jersey, U.S, is set on reaching the 1,000lb mark (71st) in just two years. Remarkably she insists she is healthy, despite now needing a mobility scooter when she goes shopping. Ms Simpson already holds the Guinness World Record as the world`s fattest mother, when she gave birth in 2007 weighing 532 lbs. She needed a team of 30 medics to deliver her daughter Jacqueline during a high-risk Caesarean birth. Yet although she can only move 20ft before needing to sit down, she wants to be even bigger.

`I`d love to be 1,000lb,` she said.

`It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down. `You might expect her long-term partner Philippe, 49, to advise her to slim down, but instead he encourages her to eat more. He met Donna on a dating site for plus-size people and is a self-confessed fat admirer, although he himself only weighs 150lbs.`I think he`d like it if I was bigger,` said Donna. `He`s a real belly man, and completely supports me.`  To achieve her goal, Donna says she will need to eat up to 12,000 calories a day (the average woman should consume only 2,000.)

To fund the massive $750 weekly food shop, she runs a website where men pay her to watch her eat fast food.

What the hell kind of message does this send to nations that have no food at all? That our nation has gelatinous piles of matter like this who INTENTIONALLY try to reach a disgusting weight? This is shameful and pathetic. Not only that, but she has a considerably smaller husband and a legion of morons who pay to see her stuff her widening face ENABLING this! WHY? It`s official, people will do ANYTHING for fame in this nation! And what about her kid? I feel even sorrier for her kid; she has to watch this mastodon kill  herself every single night. Obviously, sometime in the near future she`s going to drop dead in a pile of pie tins and crumbs, and the kid has to be there to watch it. Not only that, but this is the example she`s being given! ONE THOUSAND POUNDS! Well, I really hope she gets a good following of idiots to pay to watch her fill her gut, because she`s going to need to build a retractable roof and buy a blimp to airlift her massive hide out of the house every morning. Then again, this could lead into another odd news story for me to report: "Morbidly Obese Woman Sits on Daughter, Thought She Was a Couch Cushion." I`m officially lost for words for this idiot, so I think it`s about that time to segue in to "John`s Daily Dumbass!"

This is a dumbass from the annals of dumbass history, but she`s recently made the news again with her release:

Anna Ayala will not be dining at a Wendy`s restaurant anytime soon.

The woman who gained infamy in 2005 when she planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy`s chili is out of prison. One of the conditions of her probation is that she never set foot in the fast-food chain again.

Anna Ayala, shown in court in 2005, claimed she found a finger in a bowl of Wendy`s chili. Police determined she planted the finger.

In her first interview since her release, Ayala admitted to CBS affiliate KPIX-TV that she had cooked the finger in a bowl of chili and later transferred it into a Wendy`s container.

Ayala said that, following a Wendy`s recipe, she made the chili at her home in Las Vegas, froze it for several months, and eventually drove to a Wendy`s restaurant in San Jose, Calif., where she pretended to find the finger in her meal.

Congratulations, Anna! You are the second-ever recipient of "John`s Daily Dumbass," and if I had this show 5 years ago, you`d be a 2-time winner. I hope you had your fair share of finger-chili in prison, at least enough to not do this stupid crap anymore.

German company Vivaeros has developed a cologne for men (and probably some women) that smells like you guess it, vagina!

Head of the company Guido Lenssen says they developed the Vulva Original by taking a combination of urine, sweat, and female arousal from women of all ages.

And they`re not stopping with just one smelly vagina fragrance. Guido and co are already developing a range of scents based on the vajayjay.

Why in the HELL would anyone want to smell like a vag? Ah yes, the first thing I want to do in the morning is roll over and roll a bit of vagina under my nose to get me through the day.  They don`t say it "smells like fish, tastes like chicken" for no reason at all. Therefore, WHY WOULD YOU WANT  IT ON YOU? Really? Piss and sweat? You can do that for free! So why blow 34 bucks on a bottle of piss and sweat? You can get your girlfriend to do that! What`s next, liquid shit in a bottle? "FECES: All of the arousing properties of doodoo in one easy-to-apply bottle." I think this product was made for those who have no shot at getting an actual woman, so now they can get the next best thing. Another loser product for a world of loser men. You know, the kind of men who sneak into the women`s bathroom and sniff the unflushed toilet bowls. I hate men.