Published:March 18th, 2010 12:28 EST

John's Daily Dump Vol. 27: Idiot Man Breaks Stuff When He Can't Have More Beer

...This is John Danz Jr. with John`s Daily Dump on theSOP.org, bringing you your daily dose of off the wall news. Today`s stories:  Obscene jogger, idiot man breaks stuff when he can`t have more beer, John`s Daily Dumbass, plus four odd and interesting stories to make you despise breathing the same air as some of the morons in this nation.

 The attorney representing a jogger accused of yelling at police and citizens during his runs through Portsmouth, New Hampshire said an order barring his client from the city while he is free on bail is unconstitutional.

Attorney Anthony Naro argued during a hearing Tuesday that a judge should dismiss a charge that 28-year-old Craig O`Brien violated his bail conditions. But prosecutor Rena DiLando argued that O`Brien engaged in a willful course of conduct, taunting the police department with daily visits for a week while on bail.

The judge has not ruled on the dismissal motion.

O`Brien is a resident of Eliot, Maine. He faces disorderly conduct charges alleging he yelled profanities or offensive words during jogging outings last May and August.

What`s the big deal here? I would put one of these joggers in every city! People always need a kick in the ass, especially in the morning. "HEY! GET YOUR ASS MOVING, YOU PIECE OF OFFICE WORKING SHIT! HEY MCDONALDS WORKER! THOSE BURGERS WON`T FLIP THEMSELVES YOU LITTLE SHIT EATING PRICK!" I think people would be much more awake and alert if they had some obscene nitwit screaming at them every morning. It works in the military, why wouldn`t it work in the civilian world? But of course, we can`t have profanity in our towns because the kids might hear them and start talking like the rest of the nation. This is somewhat akin to the story I did about the teacher writing "loser" on the kids paper - people need a little break from the monotony of everyday life, but everything people try to do to shake things up is too obscene for their soft little ears to handle. Come on America! Let`s get motivated! Tell someone to eat shit today, and make the world that much brighter!

A 25-year-old man did not take his inability to get more beer well. Lafourche sheriff`s spokeswoman Lesley Hill Peters said the man was accused of breaking furniture and throwing a beer bottle at a woman after she refused to give him car keys so he could buy more beer on Monday night. The Courier reported Wednesday that the man admitted to deputies he`d been drinking before the argument with the alleged 29-year-old victim.

This is why I hate men, and this is why the first time a man has a violent outburst that a woman should just call it quits. This is also why when I turn 21, I`m going to buy alcohol sparingly. Poor little man, it must be SO maddening knowing that you have friends who look out for you and know that it`s time to be cut off from the sauce. It must be so infuriating knowing that other people know your limits better than your inept ass. And, it must be even more angering that you made the news for being a detestable idiot.  Men are idiots enough without alcohol - add booze into the mix, and you may as well throw them in a zoo. I`m not saying women can`t be stupid - my relationship track record can prove women can be imbeciles. However, it`s no secret that women are more responsible, sensible and overall more perceptive than their simian counterparts.

Anyway, time to the segment that warms everyone`s hearts - John`s Daily Dumbass! Let`s take a look at today`s mucilaginous troglodyte:

Some drivers in Newport Beach said they were left flat after a spike strip fell out of a police car and punctured their tires. A police report said the strip, which is designed to slow down fleeing drivers, fell out of a police officer`s Chevy Tahoe on Feb. 27. The report said the officer had checked out the vehicle but forgot to close the back door before leaving the police station.

At least three motorists had several tires flattened and two have filed claims with the city.

One is asking the city for $221 to cover repairs and towing fees while another wants $870 because of two flat tires on his Jaguar.

Congratulations, copper! Your unmistakable idiocy has made you the recipient of "John`s Daily Dumbass" honors! Even if you`ll be a typical conniving cop and try to put blame on the drivers and get out of paying for your careless mistake - you`re still a dumbass.

Here is just a flowing list of four stories, because limiting my show to just three stories of idiocy every time just isn`t enough. So sit back, relax, and if you have to take a shit, do it now because the amount of laughter that will emit from your body will make you crap all over the place.

Police said a man broke into a Pittsburgh home and climbed into bed with its owner, apparently because he was drunk and cold following a rap concert. Homeowner Frank Fontana says he was in bed when the man climbed in about 5:30 Wednesday morning. Fontana says he asked whether it was a woman who has keys to his home " and he grabbed a baseball bat when a deep male voice answered, "No, it`s not."

Police said Fontana kept the man at bay until police arrived but didn`t hit him with the bat.

Police say the intruder told them he was looking for shelter after a Tuesday night concert by rapper Jay-Z at the Mellon Arena.

Well, if this was me that intruder would be warm  in a hurry - with my urine and feces all over the bed. I`d have  shit a brick. Then, I`d have beat him upside the head with that brick. How can you afford tickets to a rap concert, but not have a home? Get your priorities in line, dude.

A New Zealand man is recovering from injuries after being run over by his wife -- twice, local media reported on Friday.

Sandy Telford ran over her husband, Terry, as she backed down the driveway of their rural property in the Hawke`s Bay region, 220 miles north-east of Wellington, the Dominion Post newspaper reported.

Not realizing what she had done, Telford then drove her car forward, running over him again.

"Those damn raccoons! Time to show them I mean business! AHHHHHHHAHAHAHA! ...Oh shit, honey!" What, the screams and the cracking bones weren`t enough to let you know you ran over a human being the first time? What happens when you hit a deer? "Those damn mosquitoes!"  FAIL.

Wannabe cowboys should head to Casper, Wyoming. Urbanites with a green thumb and a desire to start an organic garden should settle down in Red Hook, in the mid-Hudson Valley in New York.

Fairfax, California is the place to pursue the suburban ideal and Nashville is the city for aspiring music stars, according to the magazine Men`s Journal.

But if you want to keep a boat near New York City, look no further than Red Bank, New Jersey, and head to Reno for outdoor pursuits far from the madding crowd.

As a Michigan resident, I feel it`s my duty to tell you about the pleasantries that await you if you move here!

Wannabe hookers should head to any street in Michigan. Urbanites with a passion for killing people should head to Detroit, in the anal region of Michigan.

Mackinaw Island, Michigan is for Michigan residents to be called tourists within their own state and be berated by Canadian-wannabe imbeciles, and Sterling Heights is there to remind you that hell surrounds you on all fronts.

But, if you want to keep a boat in Michigan and have it robbed and vandalized on a daily basis, look no further than Bay City, Michigan, and head to your nearest bar on Midland St. to get drunk and anally probed.  Sincerely, your Michigan tourism expert, John Danz, Jr.

 Tennessee lawmakers are considering ways to add new monetary penalties on speeding drivers as a way to boost funding for the state`s trauma centers.

As introduced, the "super speeders" bill would fine drivers $200 for traveling 15 mph above the speed limit. Republican Sen. Jack Johnson of Franklin said Tuesday he plans to rewrite the bill to target drivers going faster than 25 mph over the posted speed limit.

A vote was rescheduled Tuesday for the next Senate Transportation Committee meeting on March 23.

The move to add penalties comes amid dwindling ticket citations issued by the Tennessee Highway Patrol. Troopers wrote half as many speeding tickets in 2008 than they did in 2001.

Just call this the "We Can`t Find Any More Excuses to Pull People Over Because Our Drivers Are Law-Abiding Citizens" bill. Your state obviously has more responsible drivers, but instead of praising them for it, you`re increasing fines to line your pockets. Bravo, typical cops. What`s next, "Super Jaywalkers" fines? Idiots.