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Published:November 25th, 2009 09:40 EST
Tackling the Sport of Shopping

Tackling the Sport of Shopping

By Mike Hart

      They started popping up in stores well before the New York Yankees started popping their champagne corks after winning the World Series.


        You too could learn the true meaning of Christmas by taking home the official Charlie Brown Christmas Tree for a mere $9.99.


         Surely you remember the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. It was a sad little tree that could barely hold one ornament.


        Thus the Christmas season began before baseball ended. This was a good thing since it gave the Yankees the opportunity to model those Elmer Fudd hunting hats.


         Baseball is a little confused anyway. They start spring training in the middle of winter. That`s before the groundhog can get done filling out his NCAA bracket.


         The Christmas rush gets into full swing following Thanksgiving`s steady diet of football and turkey and even more turkey.


          There is always a mad rush in stores starting on Black Friday until the store owners take the knee on Christmas Eve. Maybe someday your favorite football team`s defensive line will be that fierce.


     It is not necessary to set the alarm and charge out the door when the first rooster is clearing his throat on Black Friday.


     No sir. Sage couch potatoes know the drill.


     It is a lot easier shopping for sports stuff online instead of devising a blitzing scheme suitable for a mall. You can even shop during lulls in football games while you`re having a cold one and spilling giblet gravy on your shirt for the last time.


    As a public service, here is a list of some great stocking stuffers available on the eBay internet auction site. No Santa will leave home without them. Ho. Ho. Ho.


       Item: Dark Gray Corduroy Elmer Fudd Cap.

       Price: $2.99


       Comment: This will come in handy when your loved one wistens to the whythmic whythm of the woodwinds as it wowws awound and awound while hunting the wascally wabbits. And it will keep them warm when it is time for west and wewaxation.


      Item: Dennis Rodman Bad As I Wanna Be Doll

      Price: $4.99


      Comment: You may not want to let your Barbie or Skipper or Raggedy Ann dolls hang out with the Dennis Rodman Bad As I Wanna Be Doll unless you have G.I. Joe on speed dial.

      Item: Randy Moss Mask With Afro Wig.

      Price: $125.00


      Comment: This is perfect for camping out under the mistletoe at your office Christmas party.


      Item: Tiger Woods Stretch Golf Dress Shorts.

      Price: $44.99


      Comment: If Tiger`s wife saw him wearing these, she`d make him play a mulligan.


      Item: Tonya Harding Autographed Ice Skate.   

      Price: $39.95


      Comment: This will come in handy when the budding little ice princess in your family wants to whack her rival in the knee.


       Item: Clubber Lang Boxing Shorts.

       Price: $14.00


       Comment: You really have to pity the poor fool who doesn`t find this under his Christmas Tree.


        Item: Sexy Women`s Green Bay Packers G-String Thong.

        Price: $7.99


        Comment: Don`t be the butt of jokes. Get this for your main squeeze. It`s a lot more romantic that a diamond or a box of chocolates.


         Item: New York Yankees 2009 Merry Christmas Penny.

           Price: $2.99


           Comment: Why, it`s Abe Lincoln with a Yankees logo about to go up his nose. That may be against Major League Baseball`s substance abuse policy. Who pays three bucks for a penny anyway?


           Item: Coach Bobby Knight Sports Memorabilia Driveway Sign.

           Price: $49.99


           Comment: Hang this up at the foot of your driveway to keep nosy neighbors away.


They`ll think the dour former coach resides at your house and they always live in fear of obscenity-laced verbal barrages and flying chairs.


           Last, and certainly not least, it is time to find the perfect gift to put under your official Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.


           The veteran blockhead was a big fan of baseball player Joe Shlabotnik, who was sent down to the minors after having a .004 batting average. Apparently Shlabotnik never tried using women`s fertility drugs. 


           Maybe there`s an autographed Joe Shlabotnik card or glossy photo or old game-worn jockstrap available for the Charlie Brown in your house.


           Oh no! The eBay search found a grand total of zero Joe Shlabotnick items.


           Good grief.


           Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.