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Published:March 5th, 2010 09:35 EST

Tiger Woods' Caddie Steve Williams: I Knew Nothing (Satire)

By Robert Paul Reyes

"The man closest to Tiger Woods when he plays golf says he had no idea about the extramarital affairs that have sidelined Woods from the game.

tigerSteve Williams, Woods` caddy and confidant for nearly a decade, talked to New Zealand`s TV3 about the scandal.

`I knew nothing,` Williams said in an interview posted on the station`s Web site Thursday. `I don`t need to clarify it, extend that answer.`"


Steve Williams: I was "shocked, shocked, shocked", when I discovered that Tiger has more mistresses than Carter has pills. I am angry at my boss, I knew nothing!

Reporter: What about the purple thongs you found in Tiger`s golf bag, and the cherry red panties Tiger pulled out of his pants pocket to wipe the sweat from his brow?

Steve: I thought Tiger had an endorsement deal with Victoria`s Secret

Reporter: You make about a million bucks a year as Tiger`s caddie. Why do you make so much money, do you have any other responsibilities besides carrying Tiger`s golf bag?

Steve: I arrange platonic dates for Tiger when he is playing in a tournament, the young women serve as a sounding board when my boss explains his golf strategy. It`s just a coincidence that all of Tiger`s dinner companions have been porn stars, cocktail waitresses, and party girls.

Reporter: Tiger has a lot of stamina, do you think...

Steve (interrupting reporter): Man, you ain`t lying. I`ve seen him make love, Oops, I mean I`ve seen him practice his putting for hours.

Reporter: I was going to say, Tiger is dealing with a lot of pressure, do you think he will still have the same drive and stamina when he returns to golf?

Steve: Of course he will. Now that he can`t have any more platonic dates, he will pour out all his sweat on the golf course.

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