January 25th, 2007 14:23 EST
Addicted to Addictions?
Life in America used to be so much simpler and less stressful.
For instance, back in the "Good Old Days" Uncle Al always drank too much at family holiday gatherings. But back then, Uncle Al's lack of self-control was recognized as the issue. He was the problem and it would have been unthinkable to call him a victim.
Things are vastly different in 2007.
These days addictions and recovery programs for dealing with them are a huge industry. They earn scores of billions of dollars for enterprising "counselors" who will tell you that it is not your fault that you weigh 520 pounds, chain-smoke unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes, use cocaine and heroine on an hourly basis and have rarely drawn a sober breath since you were nine years old.
None of this is your fault!
Nearly every human frailty can be traced to an addiction. People claim debilitating addictions to:
-Too much sex
-Too little sex
-Too much work
-Too little work
-And on and on and on
In fact, it has gotten so weird that I am thinking of opening a new treatment clinic. It shall be called The Recovery Program for Overcoming Addiction to Addictions.
After 30 days and $70,000, I guarantee you will be free from the compulsion to find another addiction in your life.
My program works -- mostly because, after I finish with you, there will not be enough money left in your bank account to buy another respectable victimization.
The latest addiction in our society is to cell phones. People drive while talking on their cell phones, while shopping at the supermarket, while at the theater, while at the library, while at the opera, while talking on a land line and in just about every other situation.
I even saw a man talking on a cell phone while otherwise engaged at a public urinal! Who would have imagined that "nature's call" could have such a literal meaning?
A friend recently confided in me that he had spent hours and hours talking on a cell phone attempting to win the heart of the woman with whom he was hopelessly in love. Unfortunately, the fellow not only lost his love but, additionally, his cell phone provider billed him $2,400 for one month of calls -- a stark reminder that, these days, talk is anything but cheap!
Which reminds me—I think I will add a Cell Phone Recovery Wing to my treatment center. Call me on my cell at ######## to get well in time for Valentine's Day!