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Published:September 16th, 2006 07:45 EST
Gobble-Necked Oil Bastards Lower Prices: Want A Cookie?

Gobble-Necked Oil Bastards Lower Prices: Want A Cookie?

By Kirwin Watson

As everyone knows, we've been getting the shaft on oil prices worldwide. From collegiate dorms to chav-filled scanty's in the UK, many people have been forced to eat Top Ramen and watery-potatoes in the face of these sharply rising prices. But what do you know; it seems Christmas must have come early this year.

Someone in the upper-echelons of the fat-necked, heavy-walleted, Illuminati-card-carrying portion of the world has a heart that isn't two sizes too small. They have decided to grace us little peons with lower prices whilst scaring the be-Jesus, err, be-Mohammad out of members of OPEC nations with oil-prices dropping below $63 a barrel (from above $75).

It'd be nice to think that all of these changes were for the good of society, aimed to give us a little more money to buy important things like medicine, clothing, and happy-lap nights at the Boom-boom room. We're smarter than this though, and of course, there is something more sinister going on here.

Lee F. Raymond, Jabba the Hut's twin in the picture, is the former CEO of oil-giant Exxon-Mobile. While the world suffered from high prices he and his company netted some of its highest profits of all time. There were reports of shortages in heavy butter and gravy at eateries worldwide too. These two events are likely related.

Upon his retirement, the Raymond received nearly $400 million dollars. I remember that day very well as I sat huddled in a blanket, watching the local gas-station man raise prices to over $3.00 a gallon. For some reason as I walked inside the station, a feeling of great wisdom -one usually only found while sitting on a porcelain throne after a night of Taco-bell- swept over me.

I pondered important things; our need for new energy resources, global-warming, and if an old man hovering around an ancient, toxic looking hotdog on a spinner would be foolish enough to eat it.

While I'll never know the fate of the old man, I do know what our fate will be if we let these oil tycoons trick us. As I emptied my wallet and looked into the cold-abyss of the real world, something in the back of my mind told me that oil executives would soon try to swoon us with "inexplicable" drops in gas prices.

These drops aren't to help us; it's to make people stop asking questions. Why did prices shoot up for so long at our expense? Why didn't political leaders force oil executives to go under oath when being questioned about shady business? What REALLY happened to baby-Bambi's mother?

The answer is simple my friends. It's right before your eyes. Oil companies want the whole Earth to get in their bellies. From our money, our trust, to cute-hoppy deers, they want it all in the belly of the beast. By misrepresenting what is happening to the environment with faux-science steeped in half-truths, and playing Santa by lowering gas-prices right before major holidays, oil-tycoons are trying to make us apathetic about their business practices, concern for Earth, and demanding more funds for alternate-energy research.

So don't be bamboozled by the gesture, just enjoy the low prices and remember that something more sinister is at bay. When you go to the store and see shortages in turkey-gravy and heavy-butter, know these bastards are still making profits and remember my words to you.