December 28th, 2006 11:02 EST
American Infidel, Second Class, Replies to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written again. This time, the Iranian president wants to know what Jesus would do were He were present in the world today.
This reply was just sent FEDEX overnight to Tehran, to the attention of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
December 28, 2006
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
Once again, we thank you for writing.
Given your literary skills, you are probably going to need a publishing agent soon. We are pleased to recommend a young, attractive American woman who has exceptional talent and experience and who would be a perfect match.
Her name is Judith Regan and, as fate would have it, she is in the market for employment. Ms. Regan can help you put together a slick brochure to explain your uranium centrifuges to a skeptical world.
She would probably title your brochure “If I Made Nuclear Weapons, Here Is How I Would Do It” or something clever like that.
Indeed, Ms. Regan is a whiz at helping murderous thugs gain widespread respect and acceptability. As an added bonus, Ms. Regan shares your concerns about “Jewish cabals.”
Now, let us consider your latest missive. You posed a question as follows:
“What would Jesus do if he were present in the world today?”
With all due respect, Mahmoud, the Jesus Christ of our faith is present in the world right now. In fact, the Body of Christ—billions of Christian believers throughout the world--have just celebrated His birth and triumph over death.
Surely you have heard of Christmas? It was in all the newspapers and cable television networks--except in nations where the free flow of information is forbidden by oppressive regimes.
Could that be the case in your Iran, sir?
Nonetheless, Christian believers await the physical return of Jesus Christ with great anticipation. However, no mortal can guess, much less know, what Jesus will do. Because He is divine and omnipotent, Jesus can do whatsoever He deems good and necessary.
While it is impossible for mortals to know what Jesus will do, here are some ideas that infidel rednecks would like to see implemented:
* All existing mosques should be converted to synagogues and or Kosher delicatessens. Holocaust artifacts should be sold in such places by Jewish vendors and proprietors.
* In order to combat terrorism, the reward for successful Muslim suicide bombers and other martyrs should be reduced from 72 to 36 virgins. In addition, martyrs should have two basic virgin models to choose from: A clone of Helen Thomas or, for the more intellectual jihadist, a clone of Madeline Albright.
Reversing one’s martyrdom decision should not be an option.
* George W. Bush should be declared the King of all Islam nations in the world. Texan should be made the official language throughout Bush Kingdom, and all of his subjects should be required to consume at least twenty pounds of BBQ beef and five cases of Budweiser beer every month.
* It should be announced that your missing Imam has been found. She is doing quite well, but wants to complain publicly about lousy conditions in Iranian wells.
Your old pal—and we mean old!—Mike Wallace is working on a television special with Ms. Imam, and Mike may wish to get your comments after the special has been beamed globally to six billion homes!
* Because of copyright infringements, the celebration of Ramadan should be outlawed. American corporate executives registered Ramada Inn as a Doing Business As (DBA) name several years ago, and Ramadan appears to have been plagiarized by Muslims for selfish religious purposes.
We trust that these answers will enrich your understanding of Western values and ideals.
Let me close by wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas, and good luck with those UN sanctions in the New Year! NOT!
John W. Lillpop
Infidel Second Class