Contact theSOPAbout theSOPSupport theSOPWritersEditorsManaging Editors
theSOP logo
Published:December 29th, 2006 06:01 EST
The New Bush Iraq  Strategy - By jove, I think Duyba has got it!

The New Bush Iraq Strategy - By jove, I think Duyba has got it!

By John Lillpop

As the war in Iraq continues to chip away at President Bush’s poll numbers and flickering hopes for a favorable legacy, the administration is fully committed to finding a new strategy that will work while silencing Bush critics.

Sequestered at Camp David for the holidays, the president and his top advisers have been toiling late each night (until 7 p.m.) to find a solution.

Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein is sequestered in a lonely cell in the “Green Zone” awaiting the inevitable: Namely, the arrival of that lucky Iraqi citizen who won the Baghdad lottery and with it the right to deliver Saddam to Allah via a hangman’s noose.

To causal observers, it is difficult to imagine a single solution that would simultaneously solve the difficulties faced by President Bush and Saddam Hussein. Those trained in the science of problem solving would disagree.

For example, thinking “outside the box” could lead President Bush to a very creative, bold step such as this:

Before Iraq gets around to executing Saddam, Bush should address the American people and declare that as a result of intense questioning (read torture) of those Iranians recently captured in Iraq, Saddam Hussein has been cleared of any and all wrong doing, and is reinstated as the president of Iraq, effective immediately.

Bush could continue by saying that all of the faulty intelligence about WMD in Iraq was created by Osama bin Laden and fed to the CIA by Al-Qaeda operatives stationed in Baghdad, but reporting to Tehran.

The president would conclude his address by announcing the immediate withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq.

With this grand strategy, Bush could:

-Exit Iraq gracefully without admitting defeat;

-Demonstrate American integrity to the Arab world;

-Establish a link between Al-Qaeda and Iraq, thereby derailing faulty conclusions reached by the 9/11 commission;

-Blame Al-Qaeda and Iran for the WMD debacle while justifying the Iraq invasion, and

-Saddle Saddam with the onerous tasks of managing the snake pit in Iraq and dealing with Helen Thomas, David Gregory, and other liberals hostile to the administration.

However, what about the need to exact justice from Saddam in order to atone for his evil ways?

Again, problem solvers will point out that running Iraq is impossible and that within 30 days or so, Saddam would be hunting for that hangman’s noose in order to do himself in. Saddam’s suicide would serve justice just as well as a state sponsored execution.

Meanwhile, President Bush would be free to resume his plans to remake America into a suburb of Mexico, and to start raising the $500 million needed for the Bush Memorial Library!