March 7th, 2007 09:16 EST
Boomers Over Mexico! No Flight Plan
Dear President Calderon:
As you are no doubt aware, America the Great is quickly becoming America the Gray. The so-called "boomer" generation, comprised of approximately 40 million Americans, will soon reach retirement age.
America's boomers are generally well educated, financially solvent, socially active, and, quite frankly, dead tired.
Our seniors yearn for a less frantic pace and a lifestyle that allows one to pause and smell the roses now and again. In other words, boomers are looking for the "Good Life" which is supposed to accrue to those who work 45 years, pay ungodly amounts in taxes, raise a family, put children through college, and baby-sit the grandchildren.
In the parlance of our youth, "Our Time Has Come."
Unfortunately, the United States is no longer as hospitable as it once was to graying citizens.
As a result, boomers have decided to move en masse to your beloved Mexico, starting in May.
Knowing that the Mexican government is a strong proponent of open borders and liberal immigration policies (at least for Mexicans wishing to relocate in the U.S.), boomers anticipate that their needs and wishes will be fully accommodated with minimal interference and bureaucratic hassle.
In plain English, we expect to be treated like wealthy tourists, with all the perks and advantages attendant thereto.
Incidentally, we prefer to be called "undocumented boomers."
President Calderon, I am delighted to announce that 40 million undocumented American boomers are headed to Mexico!
Current plans call for about 500,000 boomers to cross the border into Mexico each month, starting in May of this year.
As with any complex transition, there are several "ground rules" that must be followed in order to make this change seamless for undocumented boomers.
Accordingly, your attention is directed to the following action items:
* Mexican sovereignty, borders, and immigration laws are essentially null and void with respect to undocumented boomers. No attempt shall be made to enforce said restrictions on these good hearted, hard working Americans.
* Undocumented boomers shall receive unlimited education, food, housing, legal assistance, and geriatric care on demand, the cost of which shall be borne solely by Mexican taxpayers.
* Mexican hospitals, medical clinics, and emergency rooms shall be obligated to meet the medical needs of all undocumented boomers, without regard to ability to pay.
This obligation shall not be limited or restricted in any way because of any real or projected negative impact on Mexico's medical systems, including the loss of vital services to Mexican citizens.
* Although undocumented boomers shall not be obligated to pay for medical services received in Mexico, they shall be entitled to send $30-50 billion a year back to the United States with impunity. The Mexican government shall actively facilitate the transfer of such funds to America.
* English is the only language used by undocumented boomers; further, boomers have no desire or obligation to learn Spanish.
All legal, governmental, commercial, and financial documentation, including descriptions of free public services and opportunities available, shall be provided in English at no cost.
* Undocumented boomers shall be licensed to drive without regard to immigration status. All driver instruction and testing materials shall be in English.
* Blood relatives of undocumented boomers shall be eligible for the same reduced tuition rates offered to Mexican students in the nation legally. All instruction shall be provided in English.
Immersion for the purpose of teaching Spanish is a failed concept and shall not be attempted.
* Undocumented boomers shall be eligible to vote in Mexican elections without any requirement to prove identity.
* America's free speech, free love, and anti-government revolutions originated with activists in the undocumented boomer generation.
From time to time, it may be necessary for millions of boomers to take over the streets of Mexico in order to protest the rule of law when the "rights" of undocumented boomers are violated.
During such protests, boomers will wave Old Glory and scream "Yes, we can!" and "We are Mexico!" in English, as they protest the rule of law.
All such activities are valid free speech expressions in a thriving Democracy. As a consequence, the Mexican government shall take no action to limit or impede protests by undocumented boomers.
* Americans celebrate the 4th of July to commemorate our independence from Great Britain. Undocumented boomers prefer to conduct business as normal on May 5, while celebrating the 4th of July.
* Undocumented boomers are very sensitive and are easily offended. Therefore, Mexicans shall refrain from using terms like "illegal alien," "Red Neck," or "Gringo" when addressing or discussing boomers.
In closing, Mr. President, let me assure you that undocumented boomers look forward to contributing positively to Mexican society, culture, and financial stability.
In doing so, we will attempt to do for Mexico what 30 million Mexican illegal aliens are currently doing to America!
With best regards and wishes for a diverse and free Mexico, I remain sincerely yours.
John W. Lillpop
Satire By John W. Lillpop