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Published:May 29th, 2010 19:36 EST
Why Girls Gone Wild Will Never Have An Age Appropriate Audience

Why Girls Gone Wild Will Never Have An Age Appropriate Audience

By Andy Wright

Based on the working title: "Take some notes, sh*td*cks" 

Paying for porn is one of those age old practices nobody participates in anymore like eating vegetables.  It`s no wonder that the primary customer base for the Girls Gone Wild franchise is men 38 and older hiding the Visa statement from their wives and Japanese businessmen on extended stay, according to a study I conducted using stereotypes.  They lost their key demographic, age appropriate reciprocating 18-25 year-olds, after the first "Best of..." volume, but not before the Snoop disaster.

As a video series intended for youthful boys who have either tasted the sweet succulent of a spring break or were about to, the creators had truly thought it to be untouchable.  However what they did not anticipate was the near-pedophilia boom of the working husbands demographic.  The young budding series grew cocky beyond its age and promoted "Best of..." tapes and even joined the DVD revolution; what they failed to take into consideration was the evolution of free porn pictures into free porn movies.  Soon, nobody really cared about a quick boob shot.  This was devastating to the Girls Gone Wild market and so they upped the ante and started filming girls doing more things, solo, but using the same bed over and over again.  Celebrities were even included; celebrities from such reality shows as Road Rules or whatever.  It doesn`t really matter, because you and I both will never truly know their names.  The difficulty though, is to pin point where the series jumped ship, accidentally.

The series really missed out on a great opportunity to corner the ever growing hotel porn market; not only reaching its intended audience but also offering itself to the couple who`s trying to get in the mood while the kids are at the pool or the newly divorced single guy who struck out at the hotel bar like everybody does except in movies like Munich.  The Girls Gone Wild franchise did get the membership right (when you order one, they just keep shipping the rest to you), but without hooking those newly single people who would willfully trade their Girls Gone Wild DVD`s to their fellow co-workers over a paper cone of water and a hot Panini (based on various observations I pieced together from memories of television shows and fantasies of what it might be like to work in an actual office one day).

While riding the wave of its initial fame amongst the fraternity and high school boy communities, the series set a new standard for spring breaks everywhere.  Even forcing the small town of Creston, Iowa to shut down its road for about six days.  Soon nobody was expecting a covered areola anywhere near a major body of water or foam producing night club.  If nipples were not exposed, barbarous riots would occur until a bare breast was experienced by some; the non-believer, or prude, would then be stripped of her "all access" bracelet (the shiny, royal blue one) and forced to spend the rest of spring break at the nearest post office, city hall, or other government facility.  It was not only to keep up the festivities of spring break but also to enforce the facade of sex-filled spring breaks, and it also accidentally prevented many rapes.  Soon, the Girls Gone Wild producers realized this wasn`t cutting it.  In fact an inverse relation started to appear - with more Girls Gone Wild popularity came a stronger stance against the exposure of women grab bags.  More and more attention starved women were refusing to play out their daddy issues on camera.  Coincidentally, around the same time, the sexually motivated males between 18 and 25 were seeking refuge in real porn finding themselves desensitized to the quick mammary shots and uneventful solo endeavors.  The latter was inevitable, given the Girls Gone Wild franchise`s empty-promise-like nature.

In a desperate attempt at revitalizing the series, the producers turned to Snoop Dogg, despite the lack of similarity between Girls Gone Wild and Dr. Dre`s pre-21st century revival.  It was their goal to appeal once more to the 18-25 year old crowd, instead of expanding on the lonely and or desperate cohorts.  Needless to say it was the worst six billion dollars they ever spent, hence the appearance of reality TV celebrities in following volumes.

The Girls Gone Wild franchise was damned from the start to always have a creepy, older audience and fan base; the reasoning is simple - the younger generations prefer a progressing sexual relation with their kin.  Boob flashing used to be a precursor to what is to come.  Now it`s the beginning and end of the experience, if the girl doesn`t feel like leaving her party to masturbate in the back of a tour bus while five dudes watch, film, and make bank.   It`s not that the franchise isn`t doing well, it`s just that they are now going to have to accept their audience for what it is, especially as they themselves get older; a man, say for example a semi-porn series creator, can only get so old before girls stop presenting their chest secrets.  In conclusion, the Girls Gone Wild franchise is reserved for Japanese businessmen and aging fathers who picture their daughter`s friends when they don`t have mood killing wives or baseball enthused sons around.