Contact theSOPAbout theSOPSupport theSOPWritersEditorsManaging Editors
theSOP logo
Published:February 1st, 2007 12:49 EST
Law and disorder in Florida!

Law and disorder in Florida!

By John Lillpop






Satire

Florida has always been known as a "no nonsense" state when it comes to law and order.  Law enforcement officials in Tampa are reputed to be among the finest in all of Florida.

That sterling reputation is being tested by a recent case in which a 21-year-old female college student went to the police after allegedly being raped.

In their investigation of the woman's allegations, Tampa police did a routine check of the victim's history and discovered that she was a fugitive from justice.

In short, this "victim" was a disgraceful scalawag wanted on an outstanding felony warrant for failing to pay a three-year-old restitution order.

Here

After placing the thugess under arrest and assuring her confinement in a suitable jail, the arresting officer retired to the nearest Java house where he celebrated his clever success with hot coffee and a dozen bear claw pastries.

Meanwhile, the attorney representing the young student, Vic Moore, who is both plaintiff and defendant in this bizarre story, explained the case in terms one would expect from a gifted legal scholar:

"[I am] shocked. Stunned. Outraged. I don't have words to describe it," Moore said of his client's arrest and subsequent treatment. "She is not a victim of any one person. She is a victim of the system. There's just got to be some humanity involved when it's a victim of rape."

As if her arrest and incarceration were not enough, this rape victim was denied a second dose of an emergency contraceptive.  Evidently, the contraceptive offended the jail worker’s religious convictions. The student was released from jail only after Moore went to the media.

The pre-med student was in Tampa for Gasparilla, a pirate-themed parade that draws thousands of partygoers to the city's waterfront each year

Anonymous beltway insider, Opel Bijiquiovarti, on loan to satirebylillpop for this exclusive story, caught up with the arresting officer while he was still celebrating in that Java house.  A detailed report has been filed.

According to Bijiquiovarti, the arresting officer was unrepentant about the arrest and claims he would do it again in the same situation.

"We done what was right. And that jailer done what was right, too. The problem is that silly beach. Instead of partying all night for Gasparilla, she should uv paid up her bills. She has no right to pills what kill babies!"

Meanwhile, Tampa police said they were changing their policy to give officers more discretion on when to arrest a crime victim who has outstanding warrants.

What's the rush, folks? Like the officer said, "We done what was right!"



satirebylillpop