September 11th, 2009 10:15 EST
Life After Post Trauatic Stress Disorder
As time goes by and as I am living my new life I am totally in awe of what I have been through. After a life time of PTSD I am free of the symptoms. I am talking about depression. I do not mean a case of the blues I am talking about sadness so overwhelming that even the thought of suicide is not a comfortable place to be. Suicide is good for people who can make a decision and who know how to follow through.
For me, I would often think if I shoot myself in the head somehow I will survive and then I will be a paraplegic with severe PTSD. Self esteem is a nonexistent thing, emotion, feeling, things of that nature do not mean much when you have no self esteem. You live a nothing life and you know you are good for nothing, everyone around you is better than you.
I used to wonder why my first wife liked me and honestly she really didn`t like me all that much. I was a very troubled man who did not know what was wrong with me so there was nothing wrong. I was just a lazy man who did not like to work. I liked working but I could never stay on the job too long.
Sometimes on my way to work I would get lost and I would start feeling like I was losing control of my mind. I would start crying and I would have to pull over on the freeway in Dallas and cry it out until the feeling left me. I would be late to work and I could not tell them at work that I felt as if I was losing my mind so I would make up a lie and hope they would not fire me. However after a while even the best of managers and bosses would give me the heave ho.
Then I would have to go home and tell my wife and she would call me a lazy good for nothing bum and drunk and she would leave and take my girls with her. This went on for decades. I have never been able to hold a job for more than a year and a half. Anxiety attacks started happening to me when I was about twenty six or twenty seven years old. It starts when I would feel like leaving where ever I was and then I felt like my collar was too tight even if I was wearing a tee shirt.
Then my heart would start beating real fast and I would begin having problems breathing. Anxiety attacks are also called panic attack for the reason that you panic big time. You talk about freaking out well I would freak. I would usually drive myself to the hospital in Dallas and when I would walk in, I would explain my symptoms and they would stop what they were doing and take care of me.
After an EKG and some other preliminary tests they would figure out that I was having a panic attack and would tell me to relax and give me a downer and after a while I could go home. Those days are over now though, I wake up every day and I think God for the day and for the great feeling of being alive. I do not fly off of the handle with my wife and children and I interact with stranger`s, people look at me as thought I am someone important. They call me Sir and Mr. with respect. At first I tried to tell people to call me Fred but they did not feel comfortable calling me Fred and would continue to call me Mr. Rendon or Sir?
Those of you out there suffer from PTSD you know what I mean. If you want call me or e-mail please feel free to do so.