December 31st, 2009 10:07 EST
New Year's Advice From the Martians
© Galactic News Agency
Are you still kicking? God is very angry at you! All these books and warnings, The Old and The New Testament, The Koran, The Mormon`s Book, and you are still killing one another. Stop these wars and crimes and killing, otherwise you`re gonna get it in the year 2012!
God has sent the Marduk to you and not even we can save you from its crushing the earth!
Instead of loving, you hate one another, instead of being honest, you are telling lies, your sense of justice stinks; you steal; you waste your time, energy and money; and as if the existing diseases are not enough, you are creating new ones to make money with vaccines and medicines against them; your industries poison your atmosphere, your oceans and the entire earth. You eat too much butter, too much bacon, too much pop-corn, drink too much alcohol and while your own species are dying of hunger in some parts of the earth, you don`t care about them.
Though gambling is forbidden in the entire universe, you have created casino-cities!
Look at your hospitals: You come in with one disease, you get out with two!
Your restaurants are infested with bacteria; your parliaments are infested with politicians, your schools are infested with teachers! Come to yourselves men! Pull yourselves together a little bit. You are living in the twenty first century and you haven`t yet stopped smoking.
Don`t you know smoke gets in your eyes?
We, on our planet Mars, have no crime. If anyone makes a crime, we tickle him to death. Wars and terrorism are totally forbidden! All such idiotism, we have wiped out from the surface of Mars long time ago. If anyone steals, we cut his hand; if anyone lies, we cut his tongue; if anyone commits adultery, we cut his p**is; if anyone wants to commit suicide we let him commit suicide.
All the bombs we manufacture, we export. We don`t use them in our own planet. We use, instead, chewing gum whose bubbles are as big as our dreams!
We don`t spit, we don`t piss and we don`t kiss! This way we manage to stop spreading the diseases. We make love by shaking hands and we reproduce in our labs.
Our hands are always clean and so are our labs. You earthlings, you don`t even wash your hands and cannot even make babies in your labs! There are a lot of things you can learn from us, but as long as you keep destroying yourselves with your mobile phones and ugly disco music, it won`t help to attempt to teach you anything!
Shame, shame, shame on you! (This is the only tolerable song you have.) Ah, there is another one too: Beethoven`s ninth symphony is it? Tatata taaa, tatata taaa, tangri tangri tan tan "What is this black instrument in front of which a musician sits and plays it with his fingers? In this days of automation, aren`t you ashamed of educating musicians for many many years to play musical instruments? So many different horns? You are gonna get it when the Marduk comes. You can blow your horns then " Tata ta taaa, tatata taaa, tuttutu tuuu, tututuuu tuu! Hapdrik hapdrik tan tan.
You had great authors once. Now, your bookstores are full of meaningless books: criminal novels, sex books, cook books, memoirs by your so-called presidents, crossword puzzle books.
You distribute your best prizes like peanuts. Look who got the Nobel Prizes this year.
In short, you`re getting worse and worse.
Askin Ozcan is the author of two humorous, but not so crazy books Wisdom In Smile and The Second Venice ". He has also written very serious books like Small Miracles for his fear of God. And for his fear of literary critics, Lightning And A Bouquet Of Roses " , a beautiful poetry collection and Stockholm Stories ", an exciting book of memoirs and The Mini-Submarine " a novelette for a romantic thriller film, if any producer still has money!
All available at 200 internet bookshops globally including www.amazon.com and www.bn.com or via your local bookstore.
Askin Ozcan`s web-page: