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Published:July 28th, 2007 16:25 EST
How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

How High the Moon? Or How High the Astronauts?

By John Lillpop

NASA astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak was arrested on a variety of charges last February, her travails appeared to be yet another example of radical liberalism gone amuck.

Although Nowak was charged with serious crimes, her motivation appeared to be romantic passion, a typical vulnerability for a feminist who might be better off pregnant, barefoot, and consigned to the kitchen, rather than trying to function as a scientist for NASA where emotional stability is vital.

As it turns out, Nowak is not entirely alone in betraying the public image of American astronauts as models of clean living and exemplary sobriety. 

Indeed, the panel that was investigating the sex-mad Nowak now reports that, from time to time, other space bound heroes have been in their cups during
actual missions.

Can you imagine being tipsy while trying to operate the sophisticated gadgetry and technology needed to blast six other astronauts into space?  Some of whom are no doubt also "impaired" by a libation or ten, and of little value as backups!

Sounds as though NASA has an urgent need for a "designated driver" as part of it's "Looped in Space" deal!

But before judging our spacey heroes too harshly, one should consider their plight. These men and women are about to be strapped inside a giant phallic symbol aimed at the Moon, Mars, or God knows where, above tons of highly explosive rocket fuel.

At the designated moment, the rocket fuel ignites, causing the ground to rumble for miles, followed by a huge ball of fire as the ship lifts off the launch pad.  Seven decent American heroes, sober and drunk, thus begin their space odyssey on behalf of the American people.

How does one prepare for that, if not with copious amounts of Vodka, Gin, and Cognac?  Especially when visions of that awful Challenger tragedy in 1986 refuse to leave one's immediate consciousness without alcohol as a persuasive agent?

In the end, being "looped in space" may be the only way to deal with the entire situation.

Still, there is some good news from that NASA panel report: We now know that being drunk does not automatically mean one cannot operate a space ship!

That means that the illegal alien population, where drinking while drunk is almost as common as stealing public services, may be a terrific resource for future NASA missions.

The whole idea of using illegal aliens as astronauts may actually be a great source for preparing anti-illegal advertising.

Picture the scene:  Would be invaders gather at a bar in Mexico and watch a video that shows a rocket ship rocking back and forth on the launching pad as tons of rocket fuel explode beneath the ship.  As the nose of the ship soars into space, a Spanish language voice-over reminds would be invaders of the following: 

"This is what happens to undocumented amigos caught in America. Do not be sent sent to Mars as part of the new U.S. deportation program--stay home in Mexico!

America No es bueno!" 

Heck, I will drink to that!