May 27th, 2007 06:01 EST
What is Hindering Barry Bonds?
As a lifelong Los Angeles Dodgers fan, I am genetically at odds with anything and everything associated with "our" archrivals, the San Francisco Giants.
My disaffection for all things SF Giants includes the club's superstar, the insufferable Mr. Bonds. Barry Bonds.
Number 25, left fielder. Alleged to be an adulterer, and tax and steroids cheat to boot.
Mind you, I concede that Bonds is one of the greatest hitters in baseball history. With or without steroids, Bonds could hit that ball!
Even so, if stories of his steroid use are true, Bonds must not be allowed to surpass Henry Aaron's career home run total of 755 which is the most prized individual record in all of sports.
At the end of play on May 26, Bonds had a grand total of 745 homers, just eleven short of passing Aaron.
However, that is the same total that Bonds had on May 8, nearly three weeks ago. In fact, BB has not even driven in a run over that period.
For nearly three weeks, Barry Bonds has acted his age; he will be 43 on July 24.
In most walks of American life, 43 is still relatively young. But in professional sports, 43 is old, very old at that.
And Bonds looks very old. He swings at pitches that are not in his power zone, resulting in weakly struck ground balls and fly balls that become easy outs.
Because of gimpy, old knees, BB has become a liability to his team in left field and when "running" the base paths.
Bonds' recent struggles are due to his advancing age, right?
Well, that is not actually the entire story.
Because of my devotion to the "integrity of baseball," a commodity sorely lacking in baseball Commission Bud Selig, I decided to take proactive steps to assure that the most coveted record in all of sports is not besmirched by a steroid scalawag from San Francisco.
On May 9, through the magic of Google search and hi-speed cable, I was able to locate a mystic who, for just compensation, codified what I call the "O'Malley Curse" on number 25.
O'Malley is a family name that used to be synonymous with the Los Angeles Dodgers. As such, anything O'Malley is automatically a powerful antidote to anything SF Giants.
By paying Madam Goolisetry the going rate for a guaranteed curse, I have assured that Barry Bonds will not break Henry Aaron's home run record before baseball's All Star Game which will be played at the Giants' AT&T Park in San Francisco on July 10, 2007.
San Francisco Giants management had hoped to use the All Star game in order to launch a grotesque national "Barry Bonds Day" that would enable the world to celebrate the world's new home run king, while simultaneously setting aside all those unfounded rumors and innuendo about performance enhancing drugs.
All of those plans pre-supposed that Bonds would be over 755 home runs by July 10.
The big question: Will the O'Malley Curse remain in force until July 10?
And what of the rest of 2007 and the home run record?
Madam Goolisetry advises that she can amend the O'Malley Curse to keep Bonds under 755 homers through the end of this season. In order to do so, she will need a larger compensation package.
The next big question: Can the loan to refinance my home fund in time to extend the O'Malley Curse through the end of 2007?