October 9th, 2009 13:00 EST
Predictions For NFL Week 5
Let`s skip the intro paragraph and get right to the meat of the article.
Baltimore over Cincy
Ray Lewis is just too tough for Ocho Cinco to be messing with this week. Even though the Bengals have pulled out some tough wins this year, winning on the road in Baltimore is just not going to happen.
The Bills over The Browns
Score minus two for Ohio teams this week. The only surprise here will be if T.O. actually scores a T.D.
Carolina over Washington
Why do I predict the Panthers will get their first win this week? Because Washington sucks... bad. Also, Delhomme is due. Don`t argue with me on this. I know all.
Detroit over The Steelers
Just kidding. Steelers by at least 21. Roth will have a field day with the hapless lions defense. They don`t even deserve a capital letter...
The Cowgirls over The Chiefs
The Chiefs won`t win a game all year. Unless they beat the Browns. Matt Cassel has to be regretting not coming to Denver right about now...
The Giants Over The Raiders
And not just because Russel has zero accuracy over five yards. A one legged Eli Manning is better than Russel with ten legs.
The Eagles over The Bucs
How many QB`s do you need to be successful in the NFL? Apparently, the Eagles need all of them. Too bad Vick could do much better elsewhere.... like Denver. I can dream, can`t I?
The Vikings over The Rams
There are a lot of no-brainers this week. Farvre is just too tough for the St. Louis D. Expect a lot of TD`s and INT`s out of old Brett this week. Even so, this one will be over by halftime. Suck it, Green Bay...
THE NINERS WILL BEAT THE FALCONS
Are the Niners for real? No. But neither are the Falcons. As long as Singletary can keep his pants on. Still, this one will go down to the wire.
Arizona over Houston
Amongst many other blowouts this week. If you have Kurt Warner on your fantasy team, this is the one week he will give you anything good. Last year was a fluke, AZ won`t even see the post season this year. Still, the Texans suck.
Denver Upsets New England
McDaniels knows the Pats offense. He should. He ran it for years. Also, two thirds of the Earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Champ Bailey. Mark my words. Denver by 14.
Jacksonville over Seattle
Score: Ouch, my eyes!
I would like to take this time out to say those green jerseys hurt my eyes. I can`t even watch the Seahawks play without getting a headache. Maybe Hassleback got hurt on purpose because he just can`t bear to wear neon.
The Colts over The Titans
Two words. Peyton. Manning. Nuff said.
The Jets will SHOCK The Dolphins
Two more words. Dirty. Sanchez. I`m not just saying this because my roommate has all the weed and is a Jets fan either. Can you say rookie of the year? Mark can.
The Chargers, Bears, Packers, and Saints do not play this week. All hate mail can be sent to Roguepirateninja@yahoo.com. Just know, I will read it with my roommates and we will all laugh at your inferior football knowledge.
More predictions: Chris Collinsworth will annoy the hell out of anyone listening, both Neon Deon and Michael Irving will dress like pimps and have nothing to add to the conversation that their jackets haven`t already said, and one of the Mannings will show up in at least ten commercials during each and every game.