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Published:December 27th, 2006 14:10 EST
Better TV: Execution of  Saddam or Fall of Washington, D.C.?

Better TV: Execution of Saddam or Fall of Washington, D.C.?

By John Lillpop

In a classic example of “Better Late Than Never,” Iraq’s highest appeals court has gifted President Bush and all of America with an extraordinary Christmas gift: That would be the head of deposed President Saddam Hussein.

Moreover, Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin has ruled that the execution must be “implemented” within 30 days.

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Good grief, I wonder if Judge Shahin realizes that his ruling sets up the potential for a major television ratings war?

Think about it.

What if the Iraqi executioner decides to “implement” Saddam’s demise on January 4 or 5 next week? So what, you ask?

Here is the problem: The mother of all conflicts would ensue because America is scheduled to officially commit national suicide over those two days, starting with the crowning of Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the United States House.

Frantic viewers would be torn between conflicting passions: Do I watch as the last vestiges of life are ripped from the heathen Saddam Hussein?

Or do I tune in and witness America’s surrender to the forces of insanity as Nancy Pelosi, who is qualified to clean the House with a mop and bucket but not much more, takes over leadership?

Oh, the agony of difficult decisions. Perhaps we could work out a compromise?

Could we, say, execute Pelosi and crown Saddam! That would really get the snake-oil salesmen, also knows as advertising professionals, working overtime.

It might just save America, as well!

And to spice up the snuffing coverage, why not include Ramsey Clark in the doings—as a snuffee, that is—and call it a “double header?”

A word of caution to the executioner: When selecting the instrument for doing in Pelosi, be advised that most of her being is recycled silicon and botox. Thus, lethal injection may take 45 minutes or even longer to work. But the American people are a patient lot, and we will wait if the reward is great enough-- and in this case, it would be!

A final word of caution to the networks: Use international diplomacy, threat of nuclear war, or whatever it takes to assure that NOTHING interferes with the broadcast of NFL playoff games and the Super Bowl!

Satire by John W. Lillpop