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Published:April 19th, 2008 06:50 EST
Neanderthals May Have Spoken (Satire)

Neanderthals May Have Spoken (Satire)

By Robert Paul Reyes

"Neanderthals have spoken out for the first time in 30,000 years, with the help of scientists who have simulated their voices using fossil evidence and a computer synthesizer.

Robert McCarthy, an anthropologist at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, used new reconstructions of Neanderthal vocal tracts to work out how they would have sounded."

Quotation from Reuters

The anthropologists not only reconstructed how Neanderthals would have sounded, they also re-created a conversation.

Georgie: I am a uniter, not a divider

Lauri: Moron, us be united against you. The New Rock Times poll shows Wooly Mammoth clobber you if you run for reelection. You not a good caveman-in-chief.

Georgie: Why everyone against me? Don't I find huge cache of missing weapons of mass clobberation?

Lauri: Fool, you mistook twigs that children use to roast marshmallows for spears.

Georgie: Ah, woman our children is learning...

Dickrock: Don't let better half make you cry. Invade tribe of Cro-Magnons and New Rock Times poll will look good.

Georgie: Plan good. I forgive hurling spear in my butt when we hunting for tasty animals.

The anthropologists concluded that Neanderthals spoke, but sounded very little like human beings. The Neanderthals sounded like a modern day Texan with a penchant for dropping malapropisms.

Apologies to any Texan not named George W. Bush