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Published:August 16th, 2008 19:31 EST
DNA Results In: Bigfoot Carcass Is an Opossum

DNA Results In: Bigfoot Carcass Is an Opossum

By Robert Paul Reyes

For decades there have been sightings of Bigfoot creatures in the Pacific Northwest. There`s reams of anecdotal evidence, tons of dubious photographs, reels of questionable film, but not a shred of empirical evidence proving the existence of this mythical creature.

Until Friday when a couple of good old boys from Georgia held a press conference claiming to have the carcass of a Bigfoot in a freezer. We`ve all seen CSI -- we know that DNA evidence is indisputable.

Americans have been waiting with bated breath for the verdict from the scientists. The verdict is in:

"Results from tests on genetic material from alleged remains of one of the mythical half-ape and half-human creatures, made public at a news conference on Friday held after the claimed discovery swept the Internet, failed to prove its existence.

One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, according to Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the DNA analysis."

Quotation from Reuters

What a crushing blow for true believers: Bigfoot is an opossum. Those damn scientists are such spoilsports; I hope they don`t announce that the toast with the image of the Montauk Monster that`s for sale on eBay is a fake.

The clowns who found the carcass of Bigfoot claim that the DNA tests may have been taken improperly, or that the DNA sample may have been contaminated.

One thing will not change, Bigfoot groupies won`t let a silly DNA test rob them of their faith. Everytime a new Bigfoot video is posted on YouTube it will bolster their religion.