October 15th, 2008 11:19 EST
Stocks Soar! Democrats Break Out in Cold Sweats!
Pity the poor Democrats!
After the collapse of the economy, Speaker Pelosi was all revved up to call the House of Representatives back into session just to waste another trillion dollars of taxpayer money on social programs.
Majority Leader Harry Reid was about to declare the economy "lost" and the future bleak, while demanding an immediate surrender to socialism.
Barack Obama was drafting and rehearsing his inaugural speech, but only when he could spare a few moments away from preparing fundraising plans for the 2012-reelection campaign.
Michelle Obama was writing out orders for the furniture movers that will be packing, transporting, and unpacking the Obama family stuff from their mansion in Illinois to the more modest digs at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
(It makes one proud to be an American when one realizes that the first African-American First Family in history can not get all of their possessions into the White House!)
Elsewhere, Hillary and Bill Clinton were sticking pins into an "Obama Doll" in hopes of eliciting a last minute collapse by the Obama-Biden ticket. Hillary even contacted Sarah Palins`s witch doctor for professional help in placing a curse on Obama.
Katie Couric, Tom Brokaw, Wolfe Blitzer, Charles Gibson, and all of the other leftist loons in mainstream media were getting fitted for new gowns and tuxedos for the Obama inaugural balls, invitations to which had been received via text message right after the second presidential debate.
It all seemed so simple, almost as if pre-ordained by God and carried out a contingent of heavenly angels, all of whom had their right wings amputated, leaving only left ones for the important business of crowing the most important figure on earth since the days of Jesus Christ.
Then the dastardly rascals on Wall Street threw the liberals an unexpected curve by resurrecting the market with the largest stock rally in history!
Nearly 1,000 points were added to the value of stocks in just one day!
Egad! The Bush tax cuts were working, to say nothing of that $850 billion that Hank Paulson was doling out to needy CEOs and other Wall Street crooks.
Cynics immediately suspected foul play. John Lewis called Wall Street a cabal of racists similar to Gorge Wallace and John McCain.
Other Democrats pleaded for calm, pointing out that there was still a plethora of great news to celebrate:
Overall, the market was still 6,000 points in the red since one year ago, unemployment was on the rise, and home foreclosures were ravaging the middle class in record numbers!
In addition, according to Democrat motivational speakers, there were the recent bombings in Iraq to exploit, and, thank God, Afghanistan was turning sour.
With any luck, Democrat insiders say, the Taliban should be able to stage a major insurgency, just in time to give Obama a last minute boost going into the election.
Still, Democrats concede that they are very concerned about the conniving unpredictability of all those fat Republicans on Wall Street.
Which is why Barack Obama is about to call for the stock exchange to be shut down, effective immediately, until after the election in order to restore "calm" to the electoral process.
Dealing honestly with the cold sweats is apparently outside the pay grade of the former community organizer from Illinois!