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Published:January 31st, 2009 08:58 EST
Too Much Treat in Your Trick? Halloween Costumes

Too Much Treat in Your Trick? Halloween Costumes

By Amanda Carver

I was fortunate enough to receive an invite to a Halloween party Saturday night, a costume party, no less.  It was great!  We were decked out head to toe and rocked the house down.  I performed a special effects miracle and transformed my boyfriend into a nasty, gore-covered zombie.  So nasty in fact, that he won top prize in the costume contest.  Oh yeah "five-hundred big ones, I thank you.  Yay and woot, I can pay my electric bill now. So the band was great, the beer was flowing, and Halloween mayhem ensued.  What issue could I have with that? Surely, a good time was had by all?  Why would I have been ticked off?

Tell you I shall.  I was livid at the costumes!  All my life, Halloween has been a time to celebrate, let loose, and try to scare as many people as you can.  If you aren`t into the frights of Halloween, then sure, go as a clown and try to scare up a few laughs. Scare something.

Oh lord, the times have changed.  Halloween now seems to be an excuse to show off as much T&A as you can.  I saw a Bunny, a Cop, and a Soldier  that collectively had on a dishtowel.  Really, had I gone home and cut up a tea towel, I could have spilt it in thirds and these girls would have been better covered.

When did Halloween shift gears? Whom do I blame and whose ass do I kick?  For a hard-core scary chick like me, it`s just a damned shame.  Sure, I`m all for s*xy costumes, always have been.  I adore and admire Maila Nurmi, Elvira, Morticia Addams, and Lily Munster. These women are the Queens of Halloween and aren`t afraid to use their feminine wiles on the unsuspecting.  What happened to the mystery, the seduction, the sensual lure of these dark vixens?

I sit at my desk and amuse myself by daydreaming about an unholy bitch-slap-a-thon involving Elvira and Britney Spears. Sorry, K-Fed, I did it again. Haven`t these Hollywood Fright Queens shown us that you can be s*xy on Halloween without going overboard? The Naughty Cop  I ran into should have ticketed herself. I sat there watching, hoping that no one in the crowd was lactose-intolerant because though we hadn`t bought the cow, the milk was flowing like bulls*it out of Tom Cruise`s mouth. So is it a trend that I blame? Is Whatever/Ho the new it costume? Is there a predetermined amount of fabric that qualifies your costume as being a hit? I wish I had the answers. It seems that the Top Ten Halloween Costumes of 2006 for Women are Cocktail Hunny Bunny , French Maid, Handy Candy Nurse, Naughty Witch, Vampira, Naughty Cop, S*xy Fairytale Princess ", S*xy Sergeant, S*xy Pirate, and S*xy Devil ".  Wow. I`m floored by the sheer lack of imagination here. With the birth of each new pop sensation, Halloween becomes more of a joke each year. I`m almost certain American Idol has some role in this.

I`ve seen a few girls that really should have been uncomfortable. Call me a prude, I just wonder about the ultimate safety of these young chickies. Now I`m not saying that men are pre-historic troglodytes with no ability to control themselves, I`m just questioning the sanity of a young woman that walks into a bar filled with drunken patrons and jiggles her boobs out of her top and skitters across the dance floor with her bum cheeks sticking out from under her cat tail. Hellooo! I gotta tell ya, don`t come crying to me when someone grabs a handful on the dance floor.

So, I`m going out Halloween night for a little trick-or-treating. I shall have on my scary, well-fitting, adequately covering costume and will try to fill my night with as many tricks and treats as I can. If that involves hiding behind cars and bushes, jumping out, and trying to scare as many Britneys, Jessicas, and Ashleys, as I can, until they piss their knickers, so be it. It`s Halloween, dammit. I`m getting my fright on.